“War With Myself”

When people ask you, “how are you?” or any other derivation of such a question, is your default answer ever, “man, I have just been so busy” while you shake your head and look away, hoping they don’t ask you more? I hope it is not just me.

For some reason, the busy answer has been my default answer these days. I am not really busy at all. I wish I was actually busy. I would fall asleep faster, sleep better, wake up brighter, and get more things completed if I was (man I miss college!). I am so ‘busy’ and wrapped up with my thoughts that I can not seem to accomplish anything, both in and outside of work. These mind clouding thoughts are typically about the future and what I ‘should’ be doing. That should word always jumps in there. Rude. It is the root of the war…which brings me to the song portion of today’s post, brought to you by the great Drew Kennedy (for best results, listen around a fire pit way past cocktail hour. The album Sad Songs Happily Played has the background story to this song)…

(Thanks Drew Kennedy – Topic on YouTube)

This naturally, or unnaturally, morphs into what the people around me are doing compared to me (need to stop doing this! I don’t compare myself to other riders or my horses to other people’s horses! Insert all of those motivational riding posters).

Thanks to this internet driven age, everyone APPEARS to be so successful and have everything together. It is an interesting conundrum. It feels as if I lack purpose and direction and that these thoughts are keeping me from moving forward. Everyone has their own path to walk and nobody’s path is straight and smooth. I am down in a circuitous valley at the present moment. I can see the mountains, but the path there is not so clear. I am so focused on getting through it to the other side that I am forgetting to be present and enjoy the process.

All of that to say, I really need to get back to reading my bible. I had a New Year resolution this past January to read the bible in 365 days. I have been getting several not so subtle signs for a while now that I need to get closer to God’s word (kind of like the idea of this blog) and they sure seem to have started around the time I started feeling this way. Well, you know how those resolutions go. Today, I am going to get back to my daily reading, reflections, and prayer. I am going to be purposeful and intentional in my prayer and resting my worries and troubles with Him. Enjoying the process. I am using you to help keep me accountable.

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