The sun is fierce this morning, y’all. It feels like it is going to be a hot one. But. I am not here to talk about the weather. Even if it might be easier to do.
My creative juices have not been flowing forth as of late if you have not been able to tell. In a funk, if you will. Again. Or still. It is what it is, but I do not have to like it.
It is also scary. Being vulnerable. This whole blog thing. Making it public…what was I thinking!? Woof.
Someone once said I was brave for starting this blog and sharing my story. I do not feel very brave lately.
I meant to post this last night, but then I got self conscious about it and conveniently ran out of time. What about the other days since I last posted? Shh. I do not know.
I am just going to say it. Part of this funk leaves me feeling alone. There, I said it. It is true. There is more to it than that, like vocation, desires, future, faithfully waiting that all plays its roll in the bigger picture of the feeling. Blah, blah, blah.
But here is the thing.
There are times when I think it might be easier to not be me. Did a bomb just go off? Very brief, short times, but still very present. Easier to change what might be different about me and be like ‘everyone else.’ Be more accepted. Whatever all that means.
I might fit in more. Who cares? Did I ever care about that? I am not sure I really do.
Have more friends. Do I need more friends? I have never been one to have a huge group. Just my close, small group.
Maybe not be single? Eh. I would rather not be in a relationship than be in one where I could not be myself.
That I wouldn’t feel lost in this way. Is lost a strong word for this? I am not sure. No stronger than alone, I guess. No one else seems to be going through this. They are all out living their lives. Aren’t they? Is that not what the book of face and insta prove? Ha! I do not believe any of that for a second.
Not stuck in my head of circular thoughts, unable to still?
I have no way of knowing any of that, but I do not believe it would be easier. Indeed it would be harder. I tried to be someone I wasn’t once. It was terrible. It was in middle school. It sounds silly and trivial, I know, but it is true.
I had a very clear feeling that I was not like everyone else. I was too different. I was outside of the box. I felt like a round peg in a square hole. I liked different things, like going to the farm to ride. I did not care to break rules or do things we were not supposed to do. I was quiet. I related more to older people than kids my own age. I did not care to wear makeup or do my hair or wear nice clothes, much to my mother’s chagrin. I felt lost and I did not know why.
I told myself I was going to change. Be more square. Not talk about horses as much. Talk more. Make more friends. Look like someone I wasn’t. I do not know how long this lasted, but I do not think very long. I felt more lost than ever before. Like a stranger in my own skin. I suppose I made more ‘friends,’ but there were not real. I went back to being me because that was the only thing that felt right. It was easy and not hard.
I have been rather. Um. Restless as of late. Desiring a change and not knowing much more than that. Feeling an outside need for change, greater than my own desire. A greater and grander plan. I can’t see the path yet. I guess that is what seasons of waiting are to feel like. I do not know what it looks like or feels like. I am doing my best to seek Him and be faithful in my waiting. To grow and learn what He needs me to. To see and feel Him seeking me. To pray. Keeping knocking.
“Believe me, the choice that does not involve Him always ends up in a bad and downright disappointing place. It ends up in failure because it’s not the path we are meant to be on. It’s not the truth. Seek Him and you will find the truth.”
~Cory Morrow
Desiring a change in life, or rather, feeling the imminent change (and not knowing what it is) is different than changing who you are. Not being you. AHAmoment.
You were made a certain way for a reason. Divinely and uniquely made. Tailor-made. For a purpose. He has a plan and a path for that plan. The road and the gate are narrow, yet easy to follow when you keep your focus on Him. We like to make things complicated and difficult. Instead, keep it simple. His path is the path of least resistance.
Anyone still there??? Does any of this make sense? No?
My mother always says that the people in your life are like a Wardrobe. Yes, like a wardrobe (My mother is full of little tidbits like that). It is of a certain size that can only hold so much. There are some people that are in your life for only a season. There are some that are in your life for a few seasons or several years. Then there are some that are, as they say, timeless, that are in your life for the long haul. For the rest of your life.
Have you ever noticed that?
It used to upset me when I was not on the same level of friendship with someone as I once was for no real reason other than life just happened. It made me feel like a bad friend. Like I did something wrong or that it was my fault. My mother would always remind me of the wardrobe analogy. To be honest, it still at times will put me in a slightly melancholic mood.
Here is the thing though. Life just happens, as it should. Even when you may think it is not or you are doing whatever you can to keep it from happening. Each person is on their own path and every single person that comes into your life is a blessing. They are there for a reason.
I am beyond grateful for all the people that used to be in my life, the people that are in my life, and for all the people yet to be in my life. You are all a blessing to me. You are part of what makes me who I am and part of what makes my life, my life. Thank you for everything you have taught me or given me. Thank you for making my life richer, bolder, and full of color. Thank you for the smiles and laughs. Thank you for being there and being you.
I hope I did the same for you.
“Oh, but seasons come for moving
Forces greater than ourselves
But there’s nothing we are losing
Keep it right there on the shelf
I guess I’ll see you when I see you
And pray you’re safe and well ’til then
And all the miles that lie between us
Will be away back in the end
Oh, the time we shared was a blessing
I’d love to live it all again
I guess I’ll see you when I see you
Happy travels, my old friend”
“They say that we all need companions
And how nobody goes alone
Over mountains and through canyons
From the poor house to the throne
Oh, but time is quite a driver
It lays a whip unto the team
It pulls apart the fibers
‘Til its time we split the seam
I guess I’ll see you when I see you
And pray you’re safe and well ’til then
And all the miles that lie between us
Will be a way back in the end
Oh, the time we shared was a blessing
I’d love to live it all again
I guess I’ll see you when I see you
Happy travels, my old friend
Oh, we watched the sun set on us
And then come back up without rest
We spoke of things in honest
All we needed to confess
Oh, but seasons come for moving
Forces greater than ourselves
But there’s nothing we are losing
Keep it right there on the shelf
I guess I’ll see you when I see you
And pray you’re safe and well ’til then
And all the miles that lie between us
Will be a way back in the end
Oh, the time we shared was a blessing
I’d love to live it all again
I guess I’ll see you when I see you
Happy travels, my old friend
Oh, the time we shared was a blessing
I’d love to live it all again
I guess I’ll see you when I see you
Happy travels, my old friend
I guess I’ll see you when I see you
Happy travels, my old friend”
~Jason Boland & The Stragglers
I hope you enjoyed the song.
This Wednesday went by extremely fast. I looked at the clock and it was 9 AM. Before I knew it, it was time to go home! Here is to the rest of the week going by just as quickly, so I can get out of the city!
Here is my lunch time thought. Since we talked about the Sunday Blues (or Scaries/Funk/Dreads, whichever you fancy) and the resulting conversations (thanks to everyone for your comments and to Karen for this Hump Day inspiration! Go check out her blog because she is expecting a foal here pretty soon and the world is about to get that much cuter. I am currently exercising extreme restraint and not breeding my mare! I have foal fever!), let us get into Hump Day.
Wednesdays have long been known as Hump Day. That middle of the week hurdle, once conquered, brings us with in grasp of the fleeting weekend. I live for my weekends to ride my horses. To recharge my batteries. To get back to center (let us not forget this song or this song!). Side note, expecting rain again………….Can not complain though, it grows the grass to feed the cows and horses. It recharges the water sources. Positive focus. Go me!
There are many ways people celebrate this day. I often partake in Wine Wednesday, as you might have noticed in the past, to celebrate that Hump Day hurdle. Or a special mid week dinner out with friends. Do you do something special for yourself for making it halfway through the week? Do not tell me you get a gold star.
On this particular Wednesday, I am going to be celebrating in another way. Dinner with my Mom’s parents and my Cousin. I am having lunch on Friday with Dad’s parents. I am so blessed to be 28 years old and have two full sets of Grandparents. I know many people can not say that. I have always been close with them. Growing up I would go to their house on weekends to play and for sleepovers. Or run errands with them. Listen to the stories of their lives. Learn from them. See their faith. Go to the movies. Ride horses. Do arts and crafts. Bake. I see myself in them. I see my family in them. We come from them. I love them and have always been close with them.
It is hard, knowing that every day with them is precious and they will not be here for forever. Life. It is even harder on my parents and it hurts me sometimes to watch the realization in them and knowing one day I will be there in their shoes. I take every opportunity to spend time with them.
I got an email from my dad today about positivity and social media from Jim’s Daily Awakenings. I really liked it so I thought I would share it with you below. Try to remember this advice in this social media driven world. Remember the Golden Rule you were taught as a child. It still applies today in all facets and forums. Get out of social media and talk to people. Be nice. Be positive. Care. Lift people up. Support each other.
Walk in love, dear readers, and have a blessed Wednesday! Tell your people you love them.
“I have a shocking thing to say to those of you on social media: Not everyone is interested in seeing a photo of your lunch, knowing your political opinions, or who you were with last night.
This morning I counted 210 social media networking websites. This excludes the online dating websites. The possible way to engage in conversation and share your opinion with strangers abounds.
But it bothers me that so many of the social media sites have gone negative.
I detest all the hostile, nasty, intimidating political remarks that are posted online.
I hate that social media has become a forum for negativity, criticism, belittling, complaining, fault-finding, cynical remarks, put downs, unkind comparisons, and even verbal bullying. Words that damage permanently are spoken behind the curtain of the Internet. Some people have even committed suicide over things said to them online.
Our words spoken online and in public should be positive, affirming, and encouraging. We should try to build people up in such a way that they never get over our edification of them.”
Death and life are in the power of the tongue.” (Proverbs 18:21)
