Tag: suicide

A Year Later

On By AveryIn Faith, Life, Music11 Comments

A year later and I still have no words to describe it. Not the feelings I have. Certainly not the feelings of my family.

Even now as I type these words, it feels so utterly strange. Uncharted territory, even as the first year is up. Different from a year ago, and yet, the same. I am not sure if anyone else in this situation has felt this way. I suppose each is different.

Yesterday I was aimlessly scrolling through Facebook and I wondered to myself, why am I doing this? Something so simple and mindless and downright meaningless? I had that EXACT same thought and feeling a year ago today after I heard the news.

Honestly, I did not want to write this post today and I have been dreading it. I do not want to relive it and do not want certain readers to relive it. It is too close. I did not want to offend or hurt anyone. To dishonor him.

Then it occurred to me that I, or we, do not need a blog post to relive it. It happens all the time. Thankfully, a little less as time goes on. Time heals, little by little. It becomes apparent when you look back. That I know for sure.

I need to write this post. For me. For my family. And for you. For anyone that has ever lost anyone. For him. To celebrate him and his life and his loved ones. The survivors because that is what we are. My Uncle was a beautiful and faithful man. Which makes it even harder at times. I suspect we will never know the answer to why in this earthly life. As is the way with many things we go through. There are no answers.

The only way I know how to honor him is to celebrate this life that I am blessed to have. That I am here to witness the Lord’s beauty around me. To LIVE every minute and celebrate every moment like it is my last. Do what makes my heart smile. Seek the Lord and allow His will to be done through me. To be a blessing to those around me. That is what I am thankful for this Thanksgiving.

So, that is what I am trying to do and what I try to encourage others to do.

I still pray for us to lean into our Lord in these hard times. To grow together. To grow in our faith together. As a family. It is hard and will continue to be. But we have to. We have to for ourselves and for the next generation.

I hope I have not lost you. For those of you that were not here or do not know the story and would like to, I have linked my writings of the series of events from a year ago below. In sharing these posts again, my only hope is to reach those that need to hear these words. For them to know they are not alone and that there are people that have been through this. That know how they feel. That there is still beauty and light all around us.

How Do I Title This: November 22, 2016

Thanksgiving Eve: November 23, 2016

A Prayer You Can Borrow: November 27, 2016

Today: November 28, 2016

The Aftermath: November 30, 2016

This weekend, while sitting by the fire with a cocktail in my hand and my dog at my feet, I put this string of songs together that got me thinking.

I hope you enjoy them.

Thanks to Middle Sister, K for sharing this last one with me. Pass it on.

That is all for now.

Reflections on a great clinic coming up soon!

Walk in love, dear readers.

Please pass along to anyone that needs or wants to read.

Anniversaries

On By AveryIn Faith, Horses, Life11 Comments

I love how clean everything looks and feels after rain. The air is a little drier, softer, cooler. The sun is not so oppressive. The grass appears to green up instantly. That might be my favorite part, the almost instant change in the foliage. It is amazing to me. Almost as amazing as how quickly it gets back to the way it was before, miserably HOT. The sun seemingly glaring at me, right in the face. The cool clean has evaporated since I began to pen this post, or key it, but that just does not sound as fun.

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Anyway, it gets me thinking on fall and my favorite time of year. The holidays. I know we still have many HOT days (more like weeks and closer to months, really) left ahead of us in this part of the world, but I can not help it. It means cooler evenings. Sweaters (eventually anyway). Fires in the pit. Fuzzy horses. Foggy breath. Christmas music. Food and baking. Family and friends. The season of thanks and giving. The reason for the season and this beautiful life we live here on earth with all of God’s handiwork.

It also gets me thinking on difficult things. Things of the not so distant past. Anniversaries all the same. Anniversaries typically get me thinking of happy memories. Like Weddings. Birthdays. Big occasions. But. They are not always happy things, are they? Such dichotomy within a word, no?

A happy anniversary comes up in a few days. One year since the beginning of this blog! That is pretty exciting! Something that I thought about for such a long time and coming to fruition, and sticking with it. What an amazing journey it has been so far and I have you, dear readers, to thank for it.

My nephew turns 5 (how did that happen??!!!!) at the end of this month. Very happy anniversary of his life.

September. September will be two years since we had to put our first horse, Mansebo, down. Woof. That was terribly hard. Even still. Especially as I try to mentally prepare myself, if that is even possible, for when that day comes for Apache. That is the hardest part about having animals and being their stewards, but the very most important from my eyes. BUT. September is also my Grandmother’s birthday! So, I focus on that.

Then, there is the big one. The one that has not happened yet. In November. I still do not quite know how to even say it. It feels like a bomb almost every time I do. Sometimes when I say it, I want to duck and look around. The anniversary of my Uncle’s death. Anniversary seems like the wrong word, but that is what it is. I still have moments where it just hits me. Sometimes sad. Sometimes mad. Sometimes still shocked and dumbfounded. At the time and in the moment it was just all so surreal. Like it wasn’t happening. Like it was just all one big, bad, increasingly long nightmare. It has slowly turned into reality. The new normal, as they say. That normal will evolve and change as the days and years go by. We are all changed. What it will bring in November, I do not know. But. I do know this. We will all gather and be together for Thanksgiving. Be in an attitude of thanks and giving. Focus on that. Focus on celebrating life and what we have to be grateful for. Focus on the happy memories. I am going to choose to focus on that. Yes, it will be hard, but it is our call and it is necessary. I want to remember how encouraging and faithful he was. Remember his love for the kids. My deserts I will bake for him.

But just like storms roll across the sky from here to there, the storms in our lives come and go. Both bring what comes after. The blue sky, clean air, and green grass. The Aftermath. Some storms take longer than others and some sure feel like they circle around and back up and just sit there overhead for a while, dumping buckets, but they always roll on, if you let them.

This post may seem premature to some since it is only, um, August. To me it is just a natural evolution and progression and it is what is on my mind. So I decided to share. No, it is not easy and I feel vulnerable, but it is what IT is all about.

Thank you for being here and being you. I appreciate y’all.

How many times can I say ‘it’ in a single post?

Walk in love, dear readers. Have a great Thursday!

 

 

One Week

On By AveryIn Faith, Horses, Life8 Comments

For the past several days, I have woken up at exactly 4:47 AM. Exactly. Every day except one. Isn’t that odd? I wake up, hope that I have a little bit longer to snooze, look at my phone and see 4:47 on the read out. That same time every morning. Strikes me as rather curious. I had a little chuckle this morning about it. I just thought you should know! Does that ever happen to you?

In other news…

I snapped a couple quick photos of the sunset yesterday. The hour long commute may get a little old, but being at the farm never does. I love being able to see the day full circle. Sunup to sundown. Such a blessing.

We are now one week down on our restricted, solitary turnout sentence. Lito is probably handling it better than any of us. Thank God for his good brain and laid back attitude! He is a little antsy at times, but he is handling it better than I had hoped…and certainly better than Cheetah ever would. Oh, lawd. I am finally not spending all of my time there staring at him.

Please ignore that ugly pole that used to hold a Purple Martin house. Also, look how tall he is! I know I have said this before, but I am not that tall. Here is to improving my mounting skills. After our Hill Country adventure, I realized I suck at mounting this horse with my squatty legs. It is a whole different kind of leverage equation!

Petunia seems to be taking it harder than anyone. Poor Tuners. It is a long story, but Lito needed more than just a neighbor to keep him from running around. Chance does not seem to care about being separate or alone. Enter Tuners. Who, unfortunately has to stay in a stall for this whole thing to work. She is none too pleased, but maybe she will lose some weight?

I wish someone would just stick me in stall so I would lose some weight. I would probably be worse than Petunia though. At least she is cute when she is mad.

Family weekend at the farm for Memorial Day with lots on the list to get done! First though, I have movers scheduled this afternoon to empty my storage unit into my new townhouse! Well, new to me. Cousin S used to live there with her daughter, but she just got married last weekend and my Aunt needs a tenant. Side note, the wedding was beautiful and it is so great to have new, happy memories in my Aunt’s house. These past several months have been difficult. The next several will likely be harder once the dust settles. It has been a busy several months. Both purposeful and divine. I am requesting prayers for my Aunt and Cousins. Prayers for strength, peace, and acceptance. To grow in their faith and closer to God. To see His hand.

Anyway, back to positive things! We actually made this plan way back in March or so. It is a win, win, win situation for everyone. Especially for me because I will no longer be living at my parents! I am so fortunate I was able to go there when I thought I might lose my job. I was able to save a lot of money and not be worried. It is way past time time though and I am so glad to be moving out.

Busy day today! Get out there an conquer it.

Walk in love, dear readers.

By the way, I am so glad you are here. AHAmoment. Thank you for stopping by and reading my little blog. You followers, commenters, likers, and readers have blown me away in this short time I have been blogging. Thank YOU! You are a blessing.

 

Today

On By AveryIn Faith, Life5 Comments

Today I must attend the visitation of my Uncle. The service is tomorrow. I am charged with being by my Aunt’s side to be her support. She has lost her support of forty years. A week ago today, almost to the hour, my Uncle committed suicide. I can not believe that I am saying this, but it happened. It is not a secret. It just is. Life is still going and moving on. Until now I had only told three people. We are survivors. I have a whole new feeling about that word.

We are still in shock and are gathered together. We are all here: Grandparents, Parents, Aunts, Uncles, Brothers, Sisters, Sons, Daughters, Nieces, Nephews, Grandchildren, Friends.

It does not compute in my brain. To be perfectly honest, I am not quite sure what my feelings are beyond utter sadness. Yes, he was depressed, but no one knew the severity had reached this point. He would not talk about it. We are not an out of touch group. There are no answers.

We all need prayers for peace and strength. To feel His presence. Come Holy Spirit.

Go hug your people and tell them you love them. Let them know that they are not alone. You are not alone. Love them and yourself. AHA moment. It is hard to find the AHA moments in times like this, but they are there. Thank the Lord for this life and find the hope in prayer.

The communication needs to start here. Mental illness (is that politically correct?) is not something to hide or be ashamed of. It is an illness that needs to be treated like cancer or anything else. It is more common than most people think.

I would rather be telling you about how I had wonderful rides this weekend. I just hugged the horses and Darcy, breathed them in like oxygen. They can feel it. Man, I am so grateful for them. They are healing.

I will be singing this on repeat today. I know I shared it with y’all yesterday, but I am going to share it again.

“The rising of the sun, burn away my sorrow
Chase away the night, and pull me to tomorrow
Fill in every part of my heart that is hollow”