The Dark

Who is ready for daylight savings??? I know who. This gal. Too hard to wake up and get going in the morning with it so dark for so long. It is getting cold early this year I feel like and it is time for the time to change with it.

This whole week is starting to look like it is taking on that dark theme. Just one of those not so great weeks for various extenuating circumstances beyond my control. It has left me kind of caught in the crossfire playing middle man for one reason or another. Not really even that big of a deal, but it leaves me on the outside, confused feeling like I do not belong. That it does not look right. Feel right. Throws me back, in an ‘old time feeling,’ for a bit and gets me thinking on the bigger picture of my life and what I am doing. You know, that whole vocation thing. Living a full life with purpose and intention.

Dramatic sounding, I know, thanks to my over analyzing personality. But in all seriousness, it does make me reassess and evaluate a check point. Am I supposed to be doing this? Is it time for a change? I am not sure. All of this sounds all too familiar to me, as it does to you, too, I am sure.

Naturally, I have a song cued up that seems to fit the feeling, even if not directly in context. Funny how that happens, always. One of the great things about music is the metaphors. Just like poetry. Anyway. The newly released album from the Turnpike Troubadours. The song was written by Even Felker and RC Edwards of Turnpike Troubadours and Johnny Burke. Also, very fitting album artwork.

However, I do not want to focus on that because I could not have done anything to prevent the situation and now here I am thinking. Possibly, probably, just reacting. So, I am not going to focus on it. That simple. I will focus on it later, after I sleep on it. Pray on it. Be faithful in my waiting. I will know when the time is right.

Here is what I will focus on and will share with you. Two life lessons brought to you in my AHA moments of late.

The week did start out pretty solid.

I got to watch the sun rise on my way to a meeting first thing Monday morning (you know, right before the proverbial brown stuff hit the fan, if I want to go back to drama). So much for new day dawning! Anyway, I digress. Quite the glow. Sunrise is always a good time for big picture reflections. Whether they be image or life related. Here is to the next sunrise I get to sit and see and reflect.

PSA. Do not take photos while you drive. My defense is the image was begging to be taken and I was going very slow due to traffic.

My Friday evening perspectives.

Same time. Two different perspectives/view points. Two very different sets of images. Two different horses, yes, but you get the point. I know points are not lost on you. Life is all about how you look at it. If you do not like what you are looking at, change your perspective. Change how you look at it. Change where you are standing.

I personally like all of these images, even though they have flaws, because I love what I am looking at. Who is in them. Where they are. Trademark looks on both of their faces.






img_6658

That is all for today, dear readers. Walk in love.

Desire

Desire. A thought for the day.

I have and have had many desires in my life as I am sure many of you have. I find the dynamic nature of desires interesting and intriguing. As we learn and grow in life, as we gain wisdom with age, our desires change with our change in perspective. One can learn a lot about themselves, and others, by deciphering where certain desires come from. AHAmoment.

According to Merriam-Webster, the word desire is defined as:

  • Transitive verb: to long or hope for; to express a wish for or to; and most interestingly, to feel the loss of
  • Noun: conscious impulse toward something that promises enjoyment or satisfaction in its attainment; longing; craving; formal request or petition for action; something longed or hoped for

To feel the loss of something. I found that interesting to be defined there in just that way. How can you long for something you never had? Can you feel the loss of something you never had? Can you really desire something you have never known? Is it really loss if you never actually had it to lose? I think so. That speaks to how powerful they are and how/why they drive us. I think that is part of what makes our true desires conscious.

What do you think?

I think the loss is very real. The relationship of the parent you never had. Or the child. Or the life. However, just like everything in life, there is a flip side to this coin. Not all loss is bad or negative. Loss can be good. It is, you know, part of the circle of life. Even this change averse gal can admit that. The feeling of loss is powerful in a good way when you no longer desire something that is harmful to you, for instance. Whether it is a person or a group of people or a thing or an idea. Does not matter.

I guess it is all of a piece. Maybe they are the same. The negative feeling of loss of something at first and then you grow and your perspective changes, making the loss positive in light of your changed desires.

I feel like I am quickly going down a hole into accounting.

I will confess that I have desires that I will not speak out loud, for fear of anyone experiencing the loss with me. I guess what it really boils down to is the shame that fear is creating.

I used to have a desire to be a famous horseman that other people looked to. Now, all I want to be famous from each of my horses’ perspectives. To be the best I can be for them. To be a real horseman. My perspective changed. That is something they have taught me through the grace of God.

I used to think I had it all figured out. I had a plan for my career and life. I desired certain things and I felt like I knew how to make them happen. Now, I feel like those desires are slipping away and I am discovering that I am letting them go. Has my perspective changed? I think it is changing. I am not there yet. New desires are not quite there yet. Do I feel loss? I do not know. I think in the beginning I did. Sometimes I feel lost and alone.

Does any of that make sense? Do you ever feel the same? What are your desires?

Far too much introspection for a Friday.

They are predicting rain all weekend, so here is hoping I get some ride time in. I can not complain though since the weather has been absolutely amazing.

Walk in love, dear readers, and have a great weekend. I am walking in faith trying to figure out the desires of my heart in my true self.

Too much? Oh well.

img_8965

Sneak Attack

You know how memories or emotions can sneak up on you when you least expect them? Like a sneak attack? Sometimes happy, sometimes…not?

For instance, today, when I left my office building and entered the open air parking garage to drive home for lunch. The garage is where the smokers smoke. Every time I smell the distant, faint smell, I am immediately transported to the barn I used to take horseback riding lessons at. Where I first started. My instructor smoked. The lounge smelled of it. She smelled of it. The arena faintly smelled of it.

Sometimes, when I smell cigarette smoke, in fact most times, I think of negative things like cancer. Morbid, I know. Not in our parking garage though. I hear Dorthy’s voice calling out instructions during a lesson, in her raspy, characteristic voice. I think of the dusty arena and stall aisles. The golden light that shone through the barn boards and onto the shiny, clipped Saddlebreds as they ate in their stalls. I think of that lady who boarded her two Quarter Horses there. One of them was a gray mare. That kind lady would let me help her groom and sit on that mare’s back during my sister’s lesson. I often go back to the feeling of my favorite lesson of all time where I got to leave the indoor arena to have my lesson in one of two grassy turnouts out back. I do not remember the actual lesson. Maybe there was not really one. Maybe I just got to ride. That is what I remember. Riding. Just being with the horse, the sunlight, the grass, and the wind in the trees and the horse’s mane. I was riding Smokey, a gray gelding. It was over too fast. Maybe this is why I have always had a thing for grays. Those two favorites of mine at the barn. I was 7 or 8 at the time.

The sneak attack is not always a happy memory, is it? We had a big conference for work
last week and, if you remember, on the first day I spilled my coffee on my white shirt. I seem to have a problem with spilling on myself. You learn new things about yourself when you blog. Anyway, the first thing that came to mind was when you are trying to get the last of a drink in a cup full of ice. You know, when the ice holds tight to the base of the glass until you are convinced you are safe to enjoy the last sip, and then wham, out tumbling comes the ice in your face like boulders off a mountain. Major sneak attack, whether it is coffee or ice. I figured I would cover it up the best I could with my name tag and, if need be, use it as a good ice breaker for people coming up to the booth to talk.

That same day, during a short, slow stint in the booth, feeling self conscious about my coffee stain, I was blankly staring down the aisle at the various people wandering and talking. I caught sight of this man. He was talking to the people in a booth diagonally down a ways. I had a rear, 45 degree angle view on him. The first thing I realized when I clued into my thoughts was, is that my Uncle B? Everything came screeching to halt in my brain. If I had been drinking coffee, I might have spilled on myself again. This man had the same hair, clothes, height, stance, and profile as my Uncle from what I could see. The shock, sadness, and surprise came on me again all at once. Not dissimilar to the feeling when I saw his brother that looks exactly like him through a window on that day. Luckily for me last week, the feeling was fleeting.

I spoke with my mother about it when we went on a walk ride Sunday morning. I was not going to share it with her because I did not want to focus on the negative, I wanted to remember the positive. He would have been eager to hear how the conference went and what people were talking about the next time we got together. Were people getting hopeful or excited yet in the industry. Asking if I networked and met new people.

My mother was the one who brought it up. She was walking and I was riding. It is our thing. There was a lull in the conversation and we were together in the silence. I was remembering that moment at the conference the very second that my mother started to talk about him. Funny how that happens. We all are experiencing the same things in our own ways. We are never alone in anything that we go through. AHAmoment.

unnamed

Have you had any sneak attacks lately? Good or not so?

Walk in love, dear readers.

Pick Me Up

This afternoon was a bit rough and left me feeling down. 

I started going through some old photos and saw many things that lifted my spirits. 

Interestingly enough, a simple google search of ‘happy’ yields many smiley faces not unlike this one:


For me, happy is more likely to conjure images like this:



Images that lead me down memory lane remembering good times, simpler times. Sometimes, I wish I could go back. 

If today has you feeling like me, I hope you found a smile in one of these memories of mine. 

Tomorrow is a new day. Cheers to that. 

What does happy mean to you? 

Walk in love, dear readers. 

Be Gracious.

Today I am starting to really feel better! For those of you just now tuning in, I have been sick with a nasty upper respiratory something or other for the past week. It really got me down. I have not missed any work, but the end of every day pretty much left me totally spent. Today was the first day I was able to wake up at my normal time and not be totally exhausted.

Last night Darcy Doolittle and I met up with a friend (who I have not seen in FOREVER because she has been off being awesome and because life) at a local ice house to catch up, have a couple beers, and eat some tacos from a taco truck. Nothing says comfort food to me like tacos! Seriously. Do not give me soup. I want tacos. Confession. I LOVE tacos. Anyway, I think that visit, even more than the tacos, gave me the final boost I needed to start really feeling better. I felt like a new person this morning.

16196015_10210300062970253_2298813618883127077_n

A friend of mine shared this on the ‘book of face’ this morning and I saved it for myself for later reference because I liked it. A few short minutes ago I received an email from another dear friend of mine who I email with regularly to keep in touch and up to date on life’s goings ons when we do not get to see each other. She was telling me about a conversation she had that was full of negativity that left her feeling negative and down. About how it can be hard to shake that off.

I then decided to share this with her and with all of you. Since it spoke to me and felt like it would help her, I am sure someone else needs to hear it too! It can be hard to not let someone else’s negative view of the world affect you and bring you down to that level or get caught up in it yourself. I know because I struggle with it.

Try to be a source of positivity to those around you today with me. Do not engage in the spreading of negativity. It can be like a disease that robs the life out of you. A kind word or gesture goes a long way. You will be amazed by the change that takes place, not only to those around you, but within yourself.

Walk in love, dear readers! Have a great Thursday!