I awoke a full hour before my alarm was to go off at 6:30 AM. An extra hour of sleep would be nice before a long road trip.
But. Here I lay. Fully energized and rearing to go. Excited to get where we are going. However, I am forcing myself to stay in bed because that was the plan. No sense in getting everything finished early just to sit and wait again. Silly, right?
Anyway, here I am, writing to you since clearly the prospect of sleep is leaving as quick like as the sun is about to rise. And because Darcy dog is not here to cuddle. Which, is not so fun, not having my dog with me.
I played on my phone a bit when I first realized there would be no more sleep. Then I put it down and tried again. No luck. Picked it up again. I was reminded of a song. You know how that happens.
Here I am, laying in bed. Having the luxury of lounging in bed for an hour before I need to do anything. About to gather everything my horse and I need for a week, load it up, and head out with R for a week of riding and fellowship.
How did I get here? How am I able to do these things that I love? Have these horses that I have? How blessed am I?
I get to do all these things because my parents worked their tails off and did everything they could for us. Because they taught us to work our tails off. To do the right thing. To not give up on our dreams and wishes. To do what makes our hearts happy. To have faith and give thanks to the Man upstairs for it all who makes it all possible.
Even when we didn’t realize or appreciate it.
So.
I give thanks to the Lord. I give thanks to my parents and family. And I give thanks to my horse.
Corny as it may sound, it is all true.
Time to get up and get moving. R will soon be on her way!
Walk in love, dear readers! I will see you in a week!
Early morning is my time. For starters, I am physically incapable of sleeping in. That whole mental alarm clock thing. To actually sleep until 7AM without waking is a luxury I do not often experience.
Waking up early is easy for me, especially when I am at the farm or am somewhere where I am going to ride. And you all know how I feel about sunrises. Rousing myself for work? Not so easy. I am still awake, just can’t seem to make myself get out of bed.
I am sure I have told all of you this before, but when I do actually get out of bed at my usual early time, I never feel better. I get to have my time. Quiet reflection in a quiet world besides the percolation of the coffee pot, the clink of Darcy’s collar tags, and nature’s morning stirring noises.
The first thing I do is take my pup outside. We are generally always by ourselves. No lights are on in my neighbor’s windows. It feels almost as if we have the whole place to ourselves.
Back inside, Darcy gets a drink of water while I pour myself a mug full of coffee adorned with honey and milk.
That is my favorite mug. It has a gingerbread man on it. It’s comforting and happy. I like happy.
Then, I sit. Sometimes I watch the news. Well, more often not these days…too depressing and well I don’t know…sometimes I watch my latest Netflix obsession. Sometimes I read.
Today I was going to read, but then I decided, I should write to you! So, here I am. And there you are.
Now with R being evacuated from her home and living with me while it gets repaired (thanks Harv, for doing that to my friend), our mornings are a bit more exciting. Darcy loves having someone else in the house. When R starts to stir, she shoots up the stairs with the most energetic of good mornings. If only she could speak! That usually envokes a play session and then we are off to get ready for the day.
On this particular morning, work is on my mind. I typically am trying to think of anything but. However, my job is changing a little.
When I was first told, I freaked out a little. Hello, change. My mind went in a whirlwind with questions. What does it mean for me and my position in the company? Am I the right person? What does it mean for compensation? How fast will this happen? I don’t want my life to be that complicated! I have responsibilities here!
Simply and remarkably, Holy Spirit showed up in usual form. Still amazes me. Anyway, the question posed was this…why are you scared?…
I am scared? Am I? How did you know that? Fear of the unknown. Old friend. Not logical, rational, or from the Lord. AHAmoment.
The simple fact is, while I now have this new ‘role,’ it is early days. We are feeling it out. We will figure it out along the way. We. If at any time it is not right, that is OK. It has the potential to be big. I should be excited. I get to learn something new and meet new people. I am excited.
I have been blogging for a whole year. Crazy how fast that went. It sure feels like yesterday that I published my first post.
I was just curious at first. And then. Before I knew it. I had clicked around and created a blog. OK, not quite that simple, but that is basically what happened.
Thank you, dear readers, for mustering up your mustard seeds and, not only checking this little blog out, but for also following along.
Here is to you.
You didn’t think you would get off that easy, did you. A song. For you.
I am good like that.
Not quite describing our relationship, but ya…It is still a good song.
I spent the last two days at a conference for work. The reason for my silence. I did not have sneak attackcoffee this time! There was a man yesterday who did. Also on a white shirt. I smiled at him with a knowing look and told him I did the same thing six months ago here and to just use his name tag to cover it. I also had to do a big presentation there on Wednesday that went pretty well. I should say I GOT to do a big presentation. We had a few people that came by our booth because of my presentation! So, we will see what happens.
I hope y’all have a happy Friday and a good end to the work week!
Get out there and do what makes your heart happy this weekend. You know what I will be doing. Going to the farm with my Darcy girl to see my ponies.
I was talking with a couple friends yesterday over the email, all within the same conversation about people and wardrobes. I love email conversations during the day. Makes it more exciting and entertaining. It also means I get to keep up with people I don’t get to see all that often. Makes it feel like we live closer together.
Anyway, we were discussing our trail ride vacation coming up this fall and H said something about how animals, horses specifically in this instance, are simple and that it doesn’t take much to make them happy.
No. No it does not. AHAmoment right there. A lesson for all of us hidden (not very well hidden!) in there for sure.
Truer words have never been spoken.
What does it take to make you happy?
Every day I look at how happy my dog is at all times and what it is that makes her so. Not stuff. Her life is compiled of moments and experiences, always positive, always present. She is fed. She is healthy. She gets to be outside. She gets to run and play. I would like to think that I am part of that. That is IT.
Same with the horses.
Horses do such a great job of bringing us down a peg, in many ways. When Lito had his tendon episode, I got so wrapped up in the worry and getting the next exercise done, that I was forgetting to enjoy my time with him. When the realization hit me, it was like a ton of bricks and I could see it written all over him. He was not experiencing joy either. I was at a loss until Lito gave me an idea. Hand grazing. Hello. How could I not think of this? It is one of my favorite things to do. I was so focused on what was next and not the right now, I couldn’t even see it. I vowed right then and there to hand graze him both before and after our rides in addition to a longer grooming session. Words can not express the difference this had not only on his demeanor, but my experience as well. Something as simple as that can have exponential effects. I swear it made the birds sing. No, just kidding. They were already singing, I just heard them again.
People can get so wrapped up in the next thing, always looking to the future (hello, my favorite hobby. So much energy in something I don’t know) and what is the next thing that will make us happy or get us something or get us to the next step. Not focusing on seeing the positive and being happy now. In the moment, which all together make up a life. And look. We all know I struggle with this as much or more as the next person. Especially lately it seems. But. Just like a bad ride doesn’t make the next, a few bad days or a tough season of life, doesn’t make a life. It is setting us up and getting us ready for the next, whatever it is, whenever it is.
I always want to try and look at life the same way Darcy and my horses do. Keep it simple. Be present and in the moment. Create experiences. Not be driven by things. See the beauty and joy I am surrounded with every day, created by Him. Seeking it. See the grass that grows after the rain. Blooming flowers. The wind. The smell of the rain. Sunrises and sunsets. New life. Happy, healthy animals that give their all to me. Great family and friends. I am fed and healthy. I get to do what I love. I am free and I am loved. What more could I possibly ask for? Who am I? Who are we?!
The sun is fierce this morning, y’all. It feels like it is going to be a hot one. But. I am not here to talk about the weather. Even if it might be easier to do.
My creative juices have not been flowing forth as of late if you have not been able to tell. In a funk, if you will. Again. Or still. It is what it is, but I do not have to like it.
It is also scary. Being vulnerable. This whole blog thing. Making it public…what was I thinking!? Woof.
Someone once said I was brave for starting this blog and sharing my story. I do not feel very brave lately.
I meant to post this last night, but then I got self conscious about it and conveniently ran out of time. What about the other days since I last posted? Shh. I do not know.
I am just going to say it. Part of this funk leaves me feeling alone. There, I said it. It is true. There is more to it than that, like vocation, desires, future, faithfully waiting that all plays its roll in the bigger picture of the feeling. Blah, blah, blah.
But here is the thing.
There are times when I think it might be easier to not be me. Did a bomb just go off? Very brief, short times, but still very present. Easier to change what might be different about me and be like ‘everyone else.’ Be more accepted. Whatever all that means.
I might fit in more. Who cares? Did I ever care about that? I am not sure I really do.
Have more friends. Do I need more friends? I have never been one to have a huge group. Just my close, small group.
Maybe not be single? Eh. I would rather not be in a relationship than be in one where I could not be myself.
That I wouldn’t feel lost in this way. Is lost a strong word for this? I am not sure. No stronger than alone, I guess. No one else seems to be going through this. They are all out living their lives. Aren’t they? Is that not what the book of face and insta prove? Ha! I do not believe any of that for a second.
Not stuck in my head of circular thoughts, unable to still?
I have no way of knowing any of that, but I do not believe it would be easier. Indeed it would be harder. I tried to be someone I wasn’t once. It was terrible. It was in middle school. It sounds silly and trivial, I know, but it is true.
I had a very clear feeling that I was not like everyone else. I was too different. I was outside of the box. I felt like a round peg in a square hole. I liked different things, like going to the farm to ride. I did not care to break rules or do things we were not supposed to do. I was quiet. I related more to older people than kids my own age. I did not care to wear makeup or do my hair or wear nice clothes, much to my mother’s chagrin. I felt lost and I did not know why.
I told myself I was going to change. Be more square. Not talk about horses as much. Talk more. Make more friends. Look like someone I wasn’t. I do not know how long this lasted, but I do not think very long. I felt more lost than ever before. Like a stranger in my own skin. I suppose I made more ‘friends,’ but there were not real. I went back to being me because that was the only thing that felt right. It was easy and not hard.
I have been rather. Um. Restless as of late. Desiring a change and not knowing much more than that. Feeling an outside need for change, greater than my own desire. A greater and grander plan. I can’t see the path yet. I guess that is what seasons of waiting are to feel like. I do not know what it looks like or feels like. I am doing my best to seek Him and be faithful in my waiting. To grow and learn what He needs me to. To see and feel Him seeking me. To pray. Keeping knocking.
“Believe me, the choice that does not involve Him always ends up in a bad and downright disappointing place. It ends up in failure because it’s not the path we are meant to be on. It’s not the truth. Seek Him and you will find the truth.”
~Cory Morrow
Desiring a change in life, or rather, feeling the imminent change (and not knowing what it is) is different than changing who you are. Not being you. AHAmoment.
You were made a certain way for a reason. Divinely and uniquely made. Tailor-made. For a purpose. He has a plan and a path for that plan. The road and the gate are narrow, yet easy to follow when you keep your focus on Him. We like to make things complicated and difficult. Instead, keep it simple. His path is the path of least resistance.
Anyone still there??? Does any of this make sense? No?
Just trying to catch up on life, day by day. An odd thought if you ask me, when you really think about it. Catching up on life. Sometimes, stuff just adds up in life and there is not much time left to do anything but get what rest you can and wake up in the morning and do it again. AHAmoment. Tackle the day you have when you get it, and get done what needs to get done. No more, no less. Just like riding the horse you have that day. Sometimes, the basic needs are all that gets accomplished, and that is more than OK! One step at a time. Just let go and let Him because He is our strength. With Him and trough Him, all will get done, in His time! And it will be beautiful.
Working, injured horse, equine health scare, hours and miles in the car, moving, mom’s knee surgery, broken cars, change, and a whole lot of other every day life stuff has kinda added up over the last month and my conversations with y’all have suffered. For that, I am sorry. But, we are no worse for wear and hopefully slowing down a little! It is easier to remember to breathe when there are not so many things going on, but just like H said, slow down and take a breath and then take a step. If I would have remembered that, maybe I would not have had that diesel incident!…or lack there of, as it were.
I do not have much to report and that is OK. This too shall change, of that I am sure.
We finished Lito’s rehab/physical therapy exercise regimen yesterday with complete soundness and the vet came out to check him. He was cleared to be on full turnout again and to slowly return to full work! Relieved is what I think I feel, but it is a slow release. One day, one step, one breath at a time! I will ride the horse I have that day and we will get back to where we were! I am celebrating this!
Also, I am finally and officially moved into my townhouse. Let us not discuss how long that took me. Way too long, but that does not matter. What matters is that Darcy and I are there and we love it. It feels good and we have already met a neighbor! I have a few things left I need to tend to, but we are 90% there.
Anyway, that is where we are.
I will leave you with this, my final thought. Brought to you by Owen Temple. Make it a beautiful life. You do only get one. We are surrounded by beauty and light if we allow ourselves to see it!
“Not gonna give up, not gonna give in
Making a life, not just a living”
Like seeing my horses basically every day for the past several weeks. Darcy. The green grass and trees. The blue sky and clouds. The breeze that kept us cooler. The sound of hoof beats on our dirt road. Lito’s attitude and heart, golden rod coat, Beatles-like mane, and cute pricked ears. Like finally having my own place again. Like my cousin marrying the woman of his dreams and being with my family. Celebrating Father’s Day with my dad!
Wedding fun with mom and sisters.
The best Pops.
Walk in love, dear readers! Until next time. Very soon.
I have never understood the whole quarter life or mid life crisis thing. Always was an odd concept to me. A conundrum. I jokingly throw around the term at times. I typically think of age as just a number. A number that many people use as an excuse or something to dread. Or view as a ticking time bomb or one of those daily flip calendars with a finite number of pages. The truth is, you are the age you feel you are. I have never really felt my age, even when I was little. Dare I say that I typically think of myself as an old soul. I read somewhere that one should never admit to that if you ever want to get married. Well, I just did. I suppose I am doomed now.
“Yeah there are different roads to happiness
I took a different path I guess
Came out on the others side just fine
The losing side of twenty five”
Turning twenty five was no big deal for me like everyone makes it out to be. Well, on second thought, maybe it was. I was either twenty four or five when I died my hair on a whim. Making the decision as I walked in the door of the salon. Pretty out of character for this planner. It was supposed to be redish and my parents freaked out like I had gone to the dark side and said it was purple. It wasn’t purple, at least not after it faded.
Twenty six was a big one. When I turned twenty six I felt like I was kicked on my bum out of the nest, falling on a large stick puncturing my wallet as I had to get my own health insurance policy. A puncture that just keeps getting bigger. Like some terrible kind of graduation gift that just keeps on giving. I called that a quarter life crisis to be funny, but honestly, I still do not know why it felt like such a big deal. Everyone has to do it. The hair dying was probably closer to a crisis, depending on who you ask. Some people may even call this blog, created almost a year ago, a quarter life crisis.
“My regrets are far and few between
and I can’t say that they’ve cost me a thing.
Except some money and a little bit of love,
But I’ll give that up.
If I can say that I am still my own
Without the rules that they forced upon.
At least since they day that I was had
because I can’t go back.”
At twenty eight, I sometimes feel like I am back where I was at twenty three, fresh out of undergrad, wondering why on earth I worked to graduate on time and give up my ability to ride every day. Still with an urge to dye my hair and blame it on a quarter life crisis just because. Just because I feel antsy. Questioning my life decisions and wondering. What is next? What am I supposed to be learning here?
I don’t think a season of life in transition, with God pushing me into rest, prayer, and waiting, can be considered a quarter life crisis. That is what I think most people do.
Here is the thing though. Everyone is in their own boat on the same sea. It is all a part of the journey. AHAmoment. The path. Individual and unique, just like you. The end destination is the same for everyone on different roads with different challenges. Might as well enjoy the ride! Look back at the end and marvel at what was experienced and accomplished instead of regrets or what went wrong. There will be many more seasons of transition to prepare you for what is next, often feeling like the waves going up and down the beach. One minute you think you are up and then the next you are back. The key is to stay the course. Just like working with a horse. One bad ride does not doom the next. Give them time to learn and figure it out. One mistake does not define a life. Mistakes do not exist if we learn from them. Be patient. Pray. Learn and grow. It is hard, yes, but in due time, His time, you will know what the next step is and when to take it. The next season will begin.
“When you are at war with yourself, you are bound to lose.”
So, no. No crisis. Never was and never will be. I am over here, happily in transition. Faithfully waiting. My current season of rest. Still. It does not come easy for me, but with His help, it will get easier. I will be prepared.
I’m not going to dye my hair, don’t worry. At least I don’t think so.
How I get to all of that from listening to one song is a wonder to me. Hello? Did I lose you? Anyone still there?
The good news is, the strangles scare was just that, a scare. I will still check each horse just in case while I am out tending to my Lito man. Speaking of Lito. He still seems to be recovering well and is enjoying his short workouts. Keeping sound with no added heat or swelling. Barring any schedule changes, we should be ready for his vet check by Wednesday or Thursday next week. Fingers crossed, dear readers.
You know how sometimes your everyday work life (or just regular life) can get somewhat monotonous? Where it feels like you are doing the same thing over and over and it kinda drags you down? You have a hard time getting out of that groove when you try to switch gears?
I would not say that my work lately has felt like that, per se, but today it definitely has. Or could have felt that way. Here is the good part, it has been a great day and I will leave work feeling great. I did not even notice the monotony! Let me tell you why.
OK, so last week I was listening to the sons of Haggard. Merle Haggard. That would be Ben, Noel, and Marty Haggard. You should check them out if you have any interest in great music in general, great country music specifically, or their father. It is also really fun to hear Merle in them. Genetics are so cool that way. Anyway, that is what was pushing me through my work week last week and it carried on into yesterday.
Naturally, today I started just listening to Merle. I am by no means new to his music, but listening to him makes my soul smile every time. I can not quite tell you what it is. It is some combination of his life story and the story behind his songs, the talent, the subject matter, the tonality of his voice, his expression when he sings (hey, thanks YouTube), and some unknown factor. He was also seriously funny. Impersonations of other artists was a regular thing at his shows. He mixed up the arrangements with different instruments. Golly, can I just gush over his voice. I also have to confess that the young Merle Haggard was quite the handsome one. Just me? Oh well.
The point of this story is that I found myself smiling and laughing all day today while working. I did not even notice I was doing it until I laughed so hard that I worried I was disturbing people. I am laughing at myself right now just thinking about it. Music often helps me focus while at work and also makes me happy. Duh. (I listen with headphones on as to not get distracted by people walking by, and so I can listen as loud as I want without disturbing others.)
This is my favorite time frame from Merle I think (at least today):
Let us have a quick appreciation for 70’s fashion.
I have bible study this evening. If only I could ride today in this weather, my day would just be that much better!
What do y’all like to do to keep your smile and joy through the monotony?
