What you need, you have already found.
Walk in love, dear readers! It is Friday, we made it!
Walk in love, dear readers! It is Friday, we made it!
I have never understood the whole quarter life or mid life crisis thing. Always was an odd concept to me. A conundrum. I jokingly throw around the term at times. I typically think of age as just a number. A number that many people use as an excuse or something to dread. Or view as a ticking time bomb or one of those daily flip calendars with a finite number of pages. The truth is, you are the age you feel you are. I have never really felt my age, even when I was little. Dare I say that I typically think of myself as an old soul. I read somewhere that one should never admit to that if you ever want to get married. Well, I just did. I suppose I am doomed now.
Turning twenty five was no big deal for me like everyone makes it out to be. Well, on second thought, maybe it was. I was either twenty four or five when I died my hair on a whim. Making the decision as I walked in the door of the salon. Pretty out of character for this planner. It was supposed to be redish and my parents freaked out like I had gone to the dark side and said it was purple. It wasn’t purple, at least not after it faded.
Twenty six was a big one. When I turned twenty six I felt like I was kicked on my bum out of the nest, falling on a large stick puncturing my wallet as I had to get my own health insurance policy. A puncture that just keeps getting bigger. Like some terrible kind of graduation gift that just keeps on giving. I called that a quarter life crisis to be funny, but honestly, I still do not know why it felt like such a big deal. Everyone has to do it. The hair dying was probably closer to a crisis, depending on who you ask. Some people may even call this blog, created almost a year ago, a quarter life crisis.
If I can say that I am still my own
Without the rules that they forced upon.
At least since they day that I was had
because I can’t go back.”
At twenty eight, I sometimes feel like I am back where I was at twenty three, fresh out of undergrad, wondering why on earth I worked to graduate on time and give up my ability to ride every day. Still with an urge to dye my hair and blame it on a quarter life crisis just because. Just because I feel antsy. Questioning my life decisions and wondering. What is next? What am I supposed to be learning here?
I don’t think a season of life in transition, with God pushing me into rest, prayer, and waiting, can be considered a quarter life crisis. That is what I think most people do.
Here is the thing though. Everyone is in their own boat on the same sea. It is all a part of the journey. AHAmoment. The path. Individual and unique, just like you. The end destination is the same for everyone on different roads with different challenges. Might as well enjoy the ride! Look back at the end and marvel at what was experienced and accomplished instead of regrets or what went wrong. There will be many more seasons of transition to prepare you for what is next, often feeling like the waves going up and down the beach. One minute you think you are up and then the next you are back. The key is to stay the course. Just like working with a horse. One bad ride does not doom the next. Give them time to learn and figure it out. One mistake does not define a life. Mistakes do not exist if we learn from them. Be patient. Pray. Learn and grow. It is hard, yes, but in due time, His time, you will know what the next step is and when to take it. The next season will begin.
So, no. No crisis. Never was and never will be. I am over here, happily in transition. Faithfully waiting. My current season of rest. Still. It does not come easy for me, but with His help, it will get easier. I will be prepared.
I’m not going to dye my hair, don’t worry. At least I don’t think so.
How I get to all of that from listening to one song is a wonder to me. Hello? Did I lose you? Anyone still there?
The good news is, the strangles scare was just that, a scare. I will still check each horse just in case while I am out tending to my Lito man. Speaking of Lito. He still seems to be recovering well and is enjoying his short workouts. Keeping sound with no added heat or swelling. Barring any schedule changes, we should be ready for his vet check by Wednesday or Thursday next week. Fingers crossed, dear readers.
Walk in love!
The sun’s predawn light trickled through the blinds as I blinked, reaching for my phone to turn off my alarm. Patting my bedside table, I realized it was not there, but I was still not comprehending. The only thought was why the volume was so loud and how it seemed to slowly get that way. Like it came from afar. My vision finally came to when I saw a dark something on my sheets, very close to my pillow. Strange. What in the world could that be. I did not hear my alarm anymore. I laid there staring. My still asleep mind jumped to a pool of blood. Yes, that is natural. That has to be it. Where could it have come from. My nose? I never get nose bleeds. My ear? Heck if I know. What is it?! How?
I moved my sheet and discovered the rest of the black rectangular shape that was my phone. I dropped my head like a rock on my pillow with a sigh as I began to hear my alarm sing again. Turn that off. I have to get up. Shower. Go be an adult. How I longed for the days of my youth when we got to take naps at school. Why did we fight the naps? Most all kids seem to fight the nap. If only I could tell them not to. If only they knew!
Such a dramatic wake up for a day like Monday! I can not read into that one too much. When I had my appendix taken out, I woke up one night from a nightmare that I bled out. I read somewhere that is common after surgery. Yesterday was somewhat dramatic. I am not sure if that is really the word, but we will go with it.
Especially yesterday. Ugh. I do not even want to share. But. That is what this is for, right? What IT is about? Sharing our story. Yes. Please tell me I am not alone at the end of this.
I spent the weekend at the farm. Lito started his light trot work and was nice and sound. He seemed to be quite happy to not just be walking and the short 5 min of trot had him slightly breathing. On Saturday, I loaded up Cheetah and rode with some friends who have a place down the road from us. Cheetah was great and we had a grand time. Rode in the morning. Then had mimosas in the shade before spending the afternoon in the pool. We had dinner and I got home a little late but not bad.
I had Sunday all planned. You know what they say about plans, right? Anyway, I woke up without an alarm a little after 6 AM. After trying to will myself into sleeping more, I got up and went to go feed the horses with the dogs. I was dog sitting for some friends over the weekend. I had a leisurely breakfast and read a little with my coffee. I got dressed and took care of some things before taking Lito out for his little bite of exercise. All good. I packed and did some house cleaning, before loading up the dogs to head back before lunch time. I had all afternoon.
I was going to get back to town and drop of the dogs at their home. Then Darcy and I would go on our merry way to our new townhouse and finish moving over the course of the afternoon. We were to spend our first night there. I was excited. I will add that Darcy was excited too just for dramatic effect. We need more of that.
I stopped in the little town right by the farm to fill up before hitting the road. I did my auto pilot thing. You know how you are doing things and do not even realize it because you do them all the time and your mind is off in a different world thinking about other things? Not really in the present? That. I filled up like I always fill my car. MY CAR. Not my dad’s diesel truck.
Yes. you read that correctly.
I could not have felt more stupid. I am not a stupid person.
I sat in the truck while it filled up completely oblivious to what I had just done. Just waiting. Yelling at Poodie to stop barking at the innocent people walking back to their cars with their drinks and snacks. I heard the pump click off. In a split second my eyes got wide as I got an image in my mind of what I just done. No, surely not. I hope I did not just do that. Don’t freak out just yet. Turn around and look to confirm before you freak out.
That was a wasted second of clear, level thinking. I turned around to see the gas pup innocently resting in the diesel tank of the truck. My head dropped as I took a breath. I returned the pump to its holster and slowly turned around to sit in the truck and think. No one answered their phones. Typical. I called my dad three times. I look up and see I from the feed store! Oh thank you Lord! I waved him over and gave him the run down. He was very happy I did not start the truck. My spirits lightened slightly at that. He gave me our mechanic’s brother’s number who has a tow truck. Then called the mechanic begging for help.
Lucky for me, we are long time customers and they are nice people. I owe a lot of people some homemade cookies. I seemed a little worried about me, but I assured him I would be fine once I quit being mad at myself and I would text him if I needed a ride or when I got back safely.
My dad called me and said, “What is wrong?” Well, I told him what happened and that I had the ball rolling to get it fixed. His responded with, “Oh no.” I know. “You didn’t start it did you?” No, I didn’t start it.
We got the truck towed down the road to the shop. “You didn’t start it did you?!” NO! I didn’t start it!!! Why doesn’t anyone believe me! “Don’t feel bad, I had someone just last week who did this. At least you didn’t start it.”
The tow truck driver gave us a ride back to the farm. The four of us. Me and the three dogs. A comical sight on the bench seat of a tow truck and a bit of a tight squeeze.
R came to rescue us from the farm and deliver us safely back home. She was our knight in shining steel she said. She has jokes that one. I could not ask my parents to do that. I felt, and still kinda feel, like a cowering dog with his tail tucked between his legs. They were not mad, but I was. I made R stay for dinner. R said she has driven off with the pump a few times. Thanks for trying to make me feel better, R.
Hopefully it will be all fixed today.
At least it makes for a good story? Self deprecating humor? Eventually.
Mom said to be nice to myself. People make mistakes. Yes, we do. Some just are not that easy to swallow. I tried to google how often people do this. Ha! Not an easy answer. I will find the humor!
Today is a new day, as my mother said this very morning. And it is just that!
A new day, and new hit. You only thought that was the end of it or the worst of it. I just got a text from a friend that I rode with last weekend. She is pretty sure her horse has strangles and to watch our horses closely. Great.
We will tackle this too. These issues do not know who they are dealing with!
We will tackle them with high heads, walking in love. Drawing our strength through Him, growing and learning.
…or was, as it were.
Sunrise. My favorite time of day. If you have not deduced that little factoid about me yet. It is. It is just my favorite time of day. Everything is new, fresh, and innocent. Dynamic and colorful. An event you can count on every day. For me, I am always struck by the blessing. The blessing to have a new day as a gift. A fresh start. To do what makes my heart smile. To begin a new day in the best way possible viewing God’s painting. It certainly did not hurt that I got to see all of the horses right before I had to load up in my car and head to town for work. Nothing like country morning air laced with the smell of horse. I started out the day seeing the positive. The beautiful. The light. These shots were taken by the front gate as I was leaving.
I usually take her with me, but I left Darcy in town for the night because I was not going to get to the farm till late just to turn around and come right back. Barely enough time to do what needs doing, but it needed doing. Anyway, dogs always amaze me. I left her at my parents’ house in the care of my dad while she looked at me with confusion and sadness and came back to her happy face and wagging tail, seemingly asking where I had been. All perceived sadness and confusion gone as if it were not there in the first place. Today I came to pick her up after work and there she was, all smiles and ready to go. Are we going? Yes, we are going!
On Sunday, when I got back from my girls riding weekend, we had a much needed, grass growing rain. I got everything unloaded and the trailer cleaned out and parked before I took care of a couple of things. I cooked burgers for a late lunch with my parents while they worked on some chores themselves. They had been working all morning. Just as we sat to eat the sky opened up. It didn’t last terribly long, but the drops were big and plentiful. You know the kind. The kind that drenches everything before you realize it’s raining.
This weekend was much needed. I can’t say that I necessarily rested, but it was relaxing and I was able to forget my anxieties and all the balls floating in the air. There were 5 of us. We ate. We drank. We rode. We talked. We were leisurely and relaxed. We lounged by the pool. Rain was promised all weekend and we did not get any. We saw stunning sunsets set in thunderclouds illuminaded by lightning and serenaded by distant rolling thunder. Everyone was able to get home safe before the rain on Sunday.
My Cheetah girl was her usual, saucy self, but settled nicely once we got riding. We both needed that weekend.
Lito and I are proceeding with our hand walking regimen. It started out a little dicey, but today he was much better. But let us be honest, he is still easier than probably most other 4 year olds. After our walk, I let him graze for a little but while I enjoyed the shade and the sounds around me. Let us all marvel how he has not rubbed his mane out while being penned up!
All of this to say, I’m chugging along over here, juggling all the balls and doing all the things. Soon enough, life will settle back down and get back to ‘normal.’ Whatever normal is. Just less balls in the air I guess! Here is hoping I will be in my townhouse by the beginning of next week.
I miss you, my dear readers, and can not wait to get back to talking with you more!
Until then, walk in love.
The natives. They are getting restless.
Really, just me. Lito seems to be handling things pretty alright. Bless him.
Now that he has had his precious rest, it is time to slowly and gradually get him into some light work. To slowly stretch his tendon and see how it responds. Then, once we have finished the regimen and he has not turned up lame, the vet will come out and re image his leg. Cheers to another couple of weeks!
Apologies for the snarky attitude. Kinda.
I have counted out the workouts and have a plan. Here is hoping the weather does not get too much in our way, but we do need the rain. We have gotten some, so that is good.
This second week of rest has been fine. I guess. This short work week kinda threw me a curve ball. Hence why you have not heard from me. If you were wondering. If not, well then, oh well. It went by too quickly and now it is Friday. Not quite sure how, but here it is! AND it is June! Let us not discuss that.
Y’all feeling the same way? I hope? No? Sigh.
Anyway, my anxiety has been up in my throat the past couple of days. Hence, the restless. Mostly because I hate this situation for Lito. For us. And it just feels like there are too many balls up in the air that I am juggling. Which is another reason I have fallen silent. It felt too hard to share and explain. That it would not be understood. That I would not be understood. But this is life.
I would like to be moved into my new place. I have not even been there since Monday when I first started unpacking. One of these days…Which, I guess moving is really the only new player. I have so much laundry to do between clothes and my sheets and towels that have been in storage for a year. I feel like every time I turn around there is a new pile haunting me! I just want to be able to play some music and cook a meal in my townhouse. I also need an oil change. Well, my car needs one and a good bath. It is so dirty. That makes me think about this song by Wade Bowen.
My windshield literally got a rock chip last week driving in from the farm. I feel a little like my engine is running rough. Me and my car!
However, I am never one to complain about the coming of the weekend! This weekend, I am loading up my Cheetah girl and headed to a friend’s place for a girls riding weekend. A much needed respite. For the both of us.
I just wanted go drop a line and give y’all an update. I have not fallen off the face of the earth or anything. Just feel maxed out. Here is hoping that it passes as quickly as this past week!
This next week is already pretty booked up with only one free evening. I might be spending my lunch hours moving!
It is all good though. These are not problems and I have nothing to complain about! At most these are challenges to be conquered and I will do just that. It might be hard to see the light and be positive when I am getting tired and feeling strung out, but that is the only thing to do. I am going to put the “hammer down” and get it done.
Interestingly enough, my anxiety has already throttled off a bit while writing this post. One of the things I am learning to love about blogging. Do any of you ever feel this way?
Thanks for letting me…spew. That is what it feels like.
Walk in love, dear readers.
For the past several days, I have woken up at exactly 4:47 AM. Exactly. Every day except one. Isn’t that odd? I wake up, hope that I have a little bit longer to snooze, look at my phone and see 4:47 on the read out. That same time every morning. Strikes me as rather curious. I had a little chuckle this morning about it. I just thought you should know! Does that ever happen to you?
In other news…
I snapped a couple quick photos of the sunset yesterday. The hour long commute may get a little old, but being at the farm never does. I love being able to see the day full circle. Sunup to sundown. Such a blessing.
We are now one week down on our restricted, solitary turnout sentence. Lito is probably handling it better than any of us. Thank God for his good brain and laid back attitude! He is a little antsy at times, but he is handling it better than I had hoped…and certainly better than Cheetah ever would. Oh, lawd. I am finally not spending all of my time there staring at him.
Please ignore that ugly pole that used to hold a Purple Martin house. Also, look how tall he is! I know I have said this before, but I am not that tall. Here is to improving my mounting skills. After our Hill Country adventure, I realized I suck at mounting this horse with my squatty legs. It is a whole different kind of leverage equation!
Petunia seems to be taking it harder than anyone. Poor Tuners. It is a long story, but Lito needed more than just a neighbor to keep him from running around. Chance does not seem to care about being separate or alone. Enter Tuners. Who, unfortunately has to stay in a stall for this whole thing to work. She is none too pleased, but maybe she will lose some weight?
I wish someone would just stick me in stall so I would lose some weight. I would probably be worse than Petunia though. At least she is cute when she is mad.
Family weekend at the farm for Memorial Day with lots on the list to get done! First though, I have movers scheduled this afternoon to empty my storage unit into my new townhouse! Well, new to me. Cousin S used to live there with her daughter, but she just got married last weekend and my Aunt needs a tenant. Side note, the wedding was beautiful and it is so great to have new, happy memories in my Aunt’s house. These past several months have been difficult. The next several will likely be harder once the dust settles. It has been a busy several months. Both purposeful and divine. I am requesting prayers for my Aunt and Cousins. Prayers for strength, peace, and acceptance. To grow in their faith and closer to God. To see His hand.
Anyway, back to positive things! We actually made this plan way back in March or so. It is a win, win, win situation for everyone. Especially for me because I will no longer be living at my parents! I am so fortunate I was able to go there when I thought I might lose my job. I was able to save a lot of money and not be worried. It is
way past time time though and I am so glad to be moving out.
Busy day today! Get out there an conquer it.
Walk in love, dear readers.
By the way, I am so glad you are here. AHAmoment. Thank you for stopping by and reading my little blog. You followers, commenters, likers, and readers have blown me away in this short time I have been blogging. Thank YOU! You are a blessing.
Guaranteed to put smiles on faces since the beginning of time.
Monday was rainy so there was no seeing the sunset. Ironically, we did not get much rain at all at the farm. We sure do need it.
Tuesday now, Tuesday showed up to play. You can’t really see it, but the clouds looked kinda like desert mountains far in the distance. We did end up getting some rain Tuesday evening. More wind than anthing.
Same thing with today, just without clouds. Hard to not have a good hump day when it starts with a happy dog, happy horses (even those in solitary confinement), and a commute accompanied my a beautiful sunrise and good music. Even if your car is super dirty. Don’t judge me. I will not show you the inside either.
Go get your smile tomorrow morning!
Walk in love, dear readers!
Here is one for your pot of thoughts…
Continue in His blessings that He will be a blessing to others through you.
Stir that around for a bit.
OK fine. I do feel terribly for him.
Despite some early drama, this situation is working out so far. Fingers crossed. How many days are left?
I left the farm at 6 this morning to get to work on time. Well, moderately on time. For some reason, rain makes many people forget how to drive. What normally takes an hour took one and a half.
And I found a bug in my coffee. I had to chuckle at that one. Better than hay and horse dirt! Bugs are easier to get out or work around.
Did I just say that?
Walk in love, dear readers!
There is always something, isn’t there? Sometimes, things happen and you just have to roll with them. They just are. You can not do anything about them and may not know why they happen. Let go and let Him. Then you come back smarter, stronger, and wiser.
A week ago today, I made a quick trip out to the farm after work to check on the horses and hopefully fit in a ride before Middle Sister K and Husband T came into town for the weekend. I walked down to the pond, hands full of carrots, where they were all standing together in the shad of a pecan tree.
I ran my eyes and hands over each one of them as I pretty much always do. I often do not even notice that I do it. I just do. To make sure everything is as it should be. It is a horse person thing, I guess.
I get to Lito’s left hind and notice some odd, slight swelling and warmth. Great, I thought to myself. Do not think bowed tendon. Dramatic, I know. You know how you can get. What the heck did he do? He has, up until this point, never been swollen or lame. Well, except with his adult teeth coming in. Not important. Check to see if he is lame, maybe he just bumped himself…He was lame. Great. OK. No need to be reactionary. Give him a few days and see how he is. Go from there. Right.
I go over every interaction with him in the recent past in my head multiple times. It could not have been our Hill Country ride. There is no way. His legs were tight and clean before and after every ride. I longed him every morning to make sure he was not stiff or lame. That and to make sure he remembered to pack his brain, but he always does. Not important. He was pretty well conditioned for the trip and never seemed strained by any of the work. Could he have done it on the trailer ride home? I suppose. Did I check his legs when we unloaded? I can not remember. More likely when I turned him back out with the herd and they ran around like race horses for a bit. More plausible, I suppose.
I prayed about it
the whole drive several times on my way home that evening. That leave it with Him post? This is where it stemmed from. I practically worried myself sick in the span of my hour long drive. Like that does anybody any good ever. You can tell me that a hundred times and I probably still will not learn that lesson. Put your big girl panties on, Avery, pray about it, and leave it with Him. AHAmoment. It is what we are supposed to do. Have faith. So I did the best I could.
I could not get back out there to check him until Tuesday. Hurry fast I did. He was still slightly swollen, but better. OK. Is he still off? Slightly, maybe? If you have to think that hard to tell if he is lame, at least he is better. Making progress, but still not quite right. The dreaded NQR. Sigh. He made progress, that is good. Something just did not sit right with me, though. How I would hate to let him rest up, get him back riding after a while, just to have it flare up again.
A quick phone call with R to get her to agree with me that a phone call to the vet would not hurt, my peace of mind or wallet. Yet. It took me all day Wednesday to get them on the phone because they were swamped with emergencies. Thankfully, not mine! AHAmoment right there.
They went out there to have a look at him yesterday morning. He did not present lame or react to flexion tests. An ultrasound on both hind legs revealed his left deep digital flexor tendon to be slightly inflamed and bigger than his right. Thankfully for me she used the word mild. And it really is. She wants him on small turnout or stall rest for two weeks. Then a couple 15 minute walk trot rides before he is checked again.
I still can not shake the feeling that I overtaxed him while in the Hill Country. Part of my original worry was that I maybe caused this. My logic and the facts tell me that is not the case. I want the best for him and always have his best interest at heart. I am his steward. Sometimes though, horses are just going to horse. Just look at Kentucky Derby entry, Thunder Snow.
So. For now, we rest while I tack on some miles to my car commuting back and forth from the farm for two weeks. And pray. And leave it with Him. Then come back stronger after we get up and rebuild.
Walk in love.
Yesterday I woke up with a rager of a headache. The likes of which I have never known. The minute my alarm went off it felt like someone had hit me in the head with a brick. Still sleepy, I stumbled my way downstairs to root around for some Advil. I will drink some water, take some Advil, and sit a minute. I will be right as rain in no time.
The thought of coffee or food made me nauseous. A few minutes passed and I realized I was going no where. I forced a little bit of cereal down so I could take some more Advil. I tried not to loose said Advil and cereal. I laid down on the couch and closed my eyes, hoping that another half hour would do the trick. No dice.
I get something akin to migraines every now and then, but this was something different. Like a sinus headache from a dark and evil place that no person should experience, but I was not stuffed up. OK. Slight upper respiratory symptoms, but nothing to a degree that would make me think sinus. Mother asked if I should go to the ER. NO. I email people at work to get them up to speed, tell Mom to go get her swim in, and crawl upstairs to lay down.
I fell asleep. Thank the Lord, I fell asleep. For an hour and a half! I woke up a completely different human. A complete farce. I was in the office just past 9:30. Part of me questions if it even happened except that the pain was so very real and left me exhausted for the rest of the day.
I completely forgot the date. Today my Cheetah Beetah is 13. What? How did that happen? It seems like just yesterday I started riding her. Do I talk about how time flies too much?
Can that be right? My brain still can not be trusted after yesterday. About nine years together?! NINE! I am so blessed with this mare of mine. She is such a gift. Has changed my life. So much has happened and we have both changed so much since we first met.
I went out for a quick visit Tuesday after work. My girl in all her glory.
She has been enjoying the all you can eat Spring buffet.
She may be the marest or mares sometimes, but the gift she is to me is not lost. AHAmoment. She is the best mare.
Walk in love, dear readers. Make it a great day!