I have a reminder for you.
You are not alone.
You are never alone.
If you feel that way today and are reading this, remember you are not! Look around you. You are surrounded. If you aren’t, then there is always me!
Have faith. Open up!
Walk in love, dear readers!
I am feeling the urge to tell you something.
Whenever I feel the urge or get a feeling about something, anything, I do it. Well, OK, not just anything, but certain things.
Like, for example, if I hear a song that has really helped me or is something I go back to listen to multiple times for one reason or another, I try to drop that artist a note. I seriously, actually do that. I look up their website and find an email or I will send a Facebook message. Something like that. I want them to know how much I appreciate what they do. I want them to know that they have made a difference. Oftentimes, I get a thankful and appreciative reply.
Or if I have seen or read something by a horse trainer that has helped me, I do the same thing. The other day, well more like several years ago, but who is counting, I was watching some Pat Parelli clinic video on one of the horse TV channels. He kept quoting from different authors outside of the horse world while explaining his concepts and theories. I have heard him do this before in other videos here and there. In this particular clinic, he had a sports psychologist, who is also an equestrian, speak for a good little while. As you can imagine if you have been reading this blog or a little while, all of this is right up my alley. Viewing and working with horses in the mindset of the broader world around us. Letting them teach us how to be better humans and better function in the world outside of horses. It may sound hokey and hippy dippy to some, but oh well. Anyway, I was curious what was on his reading list. What influential books he has read that have helped him in various parts of his life. So, I sent an email thanking him for his point of view and asking about books. About a week later, I get a response apologizing for the delay and hoping I find the attached list and a few others helpful. I went and purchased many of those books the next day.
Even something as simple and seemingly little as sending someone a note to say you are thinking of them or stopping to pick someone up some flowers, I act on those urges.
You never know when saying or doing that little something will encourage them or brighten their day or change someone’s life.
I could not quite get my words around it yesterday. I wrestled with it. I am not sure they are around it now, but I will give it a go because I feel the urge. I do not think many words are really even needed, but here is my little note to you, dear readers.
If you are feeling stressed.
Lost.
Confused.
Anxious.
Worried.
Sad.
__________.
Insert anything.
Alone.
Know that you are not alone.
Know that everyone goes through times, seasons like these. And you will again in your lifetime. They come and go for everyone. You are reading words written by one of those people right now. Some of you who have been reading this blog for a little while know this. Others may not. You are sitting next to one of those people. You will meet one of those people. You know one of them.
Keeping seeing the beauty and the light. We are surrounded by it. Keep working hard and doing good. Keep striving and keep knocking and keep praying. That is our call. To be a light.
I may not know much yet in my 29 years of life, but I know this. Everything happens for a reason whether we know those reasons or not. Often times we will not know those reasons in the moment. Be built up by the struggle.
Have faith.
Have faith and know that He has and is the plan and the path. The light.
No, you are not alone.
That was my urge, to tell you that.
Walk in love, dear readers, and have a great Wednesday.
Shine your light.
I forgot about this one.
I love when that happens. You find something amazing and then somehow you forget about it. That part is not so great, but then, something happens and you find it or rediscover it all over again. Twice the joy! Boom!
This song is one of those. Not even sure how I stumbled upon it either time, but I am glad I did! Soulsine performed by Gov’t Mule, written by Warren Haynes. Go get you some! Man oh man. Seriously, give this song a listen.
I grew up thinkin’ that I had it made
Gonna make it on my own
But life can take the strongest man
And make him feel so alone
Now and then I feel a cold wind
Blowin’ through my achin’ bones
I think back to what my daddy said
He said Boy, in the darkness before the dawn
Let your soul shine
It’s better than sunshine
It’s better than moonshne
Damn sure better than rain
Yeah now people don’t mind
We all get this way sometimes
Got to let your soul shine
Shine till the break of day
Sometimes a man can feel this emptiness
Like a woman has robbed him of his very soul
A woman too, God knows, she can feel like this
And when your world seems cold
You got to let your spirit take control
Let your soul shine
It’s better than sunshine
It’s better than moonshine
Damn sure better than rain
Lord now people don’t mind
We all get this way sometimes
Got to let your soul shine
Shine till the break of day
Oh, it’s better than sunshine
It’s better than moonshine
Damn sure better than rain
Yeah now people don’t mind
We all get this way sometimes
Got to let your soul shine
Shine till the break of day”
Walk in love this fine Monday!
Remember, it was not promised to you or any of us.
The sun is fierce this morning, y’all. It feels like it is going to be a hot one. But. I am not here to talk about the weather. Even if it might be easier to do.
My creative juices have not been flowing forth as of late if you have not been able to tell. In a funk, if you will. Again. Or still. It is what it is, but I do not have to like it.
It is also scary. Being vulnerable. This whole blog thing. Making it public…what was I thinking!? Woof.
Someone once said I was brave for starting this blog and sharing my story. I do not feel very brave lately.
I meant to post this last night, but then I got self conscious about it and conveniently ran out of time. What about the other days since I last posted? Shh. I do not know.
I am just going to say it. Part of this funk leaves me feeling alone. There, I said it. It is true. There is more to it than that, like vocation, desires, future, faithfully waiting that all plays its roll in the bigger picture of the feeling. Blah, blah, blah.
But here is the thing.
There are times when I think it might be easier to not be me. Did a bomb just go off? Very brief, short times, but still very present. Easier to change what might be different about me and be like ‘everyone else.’ Be more accepted. Whatever all that means.
I might fit in more. Who cares? Did I ever care about that? I am not sure I really do.
Have more friends. Do I need more friends? I have never been one to have a huge group. Just my close, small group.
Maybe not be single? Eh. I would rather not be in a relationship than be in one where I could not be myself.
That I wouldn’t feel lost in this way. Is lost a strong word for this? I am not sure. No stronger than alone, I guess. No one else seems to be going through this. They are all out living their lives. Aren’t they? Is that not what the book of face and insta prove? Ha! I do not believe any of that for a second.
Not stuck in my head of circular thoughts, unable to still?
I have no way of knowing any of that, but I do not believe it would be easier. Indeed it would be harder. I tried to be someone I wasn’t once. It was terrible. It was in middle school. It sounds silly and trivial, I know, but it is true.
I had a very clear feeling that I was not like everyone else. I was too different. I was outside of the box. I felt like a round peg in a square hole. I liked different things, like going to the farm to ride. I did not care to break rules or do things we were not supposed to do. I was quiet. I related more to older people than kids my own age. I did not care to wear makeup or do my hair or wear nice clothes, much to my mother’s chagrin. I felt lost and I did not know why.
I told myself I was going to change. Be more square. Not talk about horses as much. Talk more. Make more friends. Look like someone I wasn’t. I do not know how long this lasted, but I do not think very long. I felt more lost than ever before. Like a stranger in my own skin. I suppose I made more ‘friends,’ but there were not real. I went back to being me because that was the only thing that felt right. It was easy and not hard.
I have been rather. Um. Restless as of late. Desiring a change and not knowing much more than that. Feeling an outside need for change, greater than my own desire. A greater and grander plan. I can’t see the path yet. I guess that is what seasons of waiting are to feel like. I do not know what it looks like or feels like. I am doing my best to seek Him and be faithful in my waiting. To grow and learn what He needs me to. To see and feel Him seeking me. To pray. Keeping knocking.
Desiring a change in life, or rather, feeling the imminent change (and not knowing what it is) is different than changing who you are. Not being you. AHAmoment.
You were made a certain way for a reason. Divinely and uniquely made. Tailor-made. For a purpose. He has a plan and a path for that plan. The road and the gate are narrow, yet easy to follow when you keep your focus on Him. We like to make things complicated and difficult. Instead, keep it simple. His path is the path of least resistance.
Anyone still there??? Does any of this make sense? No?
Be yourself. Do not change what makes you, you.
Walk in love, dear readers.
Your AHAmoment for today is brought to you by Sean McConnell. It is too good not to share.
Heart and soul. That is what matters. It is not what you have or what you do or where you are from. It is what lies behind your shirt pocket.
So true that it almost knocks the air out of me. Take me back to that ‘dying day.’ I refuse to believe it is dead.
Ironic how we call it ‘connected.’ Connected by internet and email and cell phones. I have never felt so disconnected with more of those things. But, What do I know? I am only 28.
Give me something that’s real
Like rock and roll.
Give me something I can feel
Down in the soul.
‘Cause everything is perfect.
Everything is clean,
Just an imitation of the thing it used to be.
Give me something that’s real
Like rock and roll.
And let me hitch a ride on a rusty freight train
Back in time to a dying day
When songs were played out of tune
And you could hear a heartbeat through
The radio.
Tell me something that you need
With all your heart.
Whisper secrets you’ve been keeping
In the dark.
Yeah, ’cause everybody’s talking
Just to make some noise.
Half the shit we’re saying don’t mean nothing anymore.
Tell me something that you mean
With all your heart.
And let me hitch a ride on a rusty freight train
Back in time to a dying day
When songs were played out of tune
And you could hear a heartbeat through
The radio.
We don’t look them in the eyes much anymore,
Hands in our pockets and our face down to the floor.
Everybody’s staring at their telephone.
We got the whole world in our hands
And we’ve never been more alone.
So give me something that’s real
Like rock and roll.
Give me something I can feel
Down in my soul.
And let me hitch a ride on a rusty freight train
Back in time to a dying day
When songs were played out of tune
And you could hear a heartbeat through
The radio.
Give me something that’s real
Like rock and roll.
~Sean McConnell
(Thanks to ShelliWayne on YouTube for the vid)
Typical day to day here. Wishing I could go ride in this gorgeous weather. Or go fishing. Anything. Prayers for it to hold trough to the end of Sunday. At present, it is looking pretty good.
You know who needs rain? Kansas. And Oklahoma. And North Texas. And all the other states suffering from wild fires. It’s a bad deal up there and no one seems to be taking about it. Talk about not connected. Whole ranches wiped out. Thousands of cattle dead. People have lost their lives and others are fighting for their livelyhoods. I have read that it is starting to look like the 30’s during the depression with the winds taking the barren dirt. They need rain in a bad way. Still, they are seeing the light in the dark. Plants beginning to sprout. Green amongst the black. Grave sites untouched, completely surrounded by scourched earth. Pages of hymnals able to be read. Stir that around in your pot of thoughts.
Next week starts weekday rides when I can. I would have gone today, but it frankly sneaked up on me. I am now feeling antsy pantsy, chomping at the bit to get out there. Story of my weekday life.
Blessed to have it!
Walk in love, dear readers.
You know how memories or emotions can sneak up on you when you least expect them? Like a sneak attack? Sometimes happy, sometimes…not?
For instance, today, when I left my office building and entered the open air parking garage to drive home for lunch. The garage is where the smokers smoke. Every time I smell the distant, faint smell, I am immediately transported to the barn I used to take horseback riding lessons at. Where I first started. My instructor smoked. The lounge smelled of it. She smelled of it. The arena faintly smelled of it.
Sometimes, when I smell cigarette smoke, in fact most times, I think of negative things like cancer. Morbid, I know. Not in our parking garage though. I hear Dorthy’s voice calling out instructions during a lesson, in her raspy, characteristic voice. I think of the dusty arena and stall aisles. The golden light that shone through the barn boards and onto the shiny, clipped Saddlebreds as they ate in their stalls. I think of that lady who boarded her two Quarter Horses there. One of them was a gray mare. That kind lady would let me help her groom and sit on that mare’s back during my sister’s lesson. I often go back to the feeling of my favorite lesson of all time where I got to leave the indoor arena to have my lesson in one of two grassy turnouts out back. I do not remember the actual lesson. Maybe there was not really one. Maybe I just got to ride. That is what I remember. Riding. Just being with the horse, the sunlight, the grass, and the wind in the trees and the horse’s mane. I was riding Smokey, a gray gelding. It was over too fast. Maybe this is why I have always had a thing for grays. Those two favorites of mine at the barn. I was 7 or 8 at the time.
The sneak attack is not always a happy memory, is it? We had a big conference for work
last week and, if you remember, on the first day I spilled my coffee on my white shirt. I seem to have a problem with spilling on myself. You learn new things about yourself when you blog. Anyway, the first thing that came to mind was when you are trying to get the last of a drink in a cup full of ice. You know, when the ice holds tight to the base of the glass until you are convinced you are safe to enjoy the last sip, and then wham, out tumbling comes the ice in your face like boulders off a mountain. Major sneak attack, whether it is coffee or ice. I figured I would cover it up the best I could with my name tag and, if need be, use it as a good ice breaker for people coming up to the booth to talk.
That same day, during a short, slow stint in the booth, feeling self conscious about my coffee stain, I was blankly staring down the aisle at the various people wandering and talking. I caught sight of this man. He was talking to the people in a booth diagonally down a ways. I had a rear, 45 degree angle view on him. The first thing I realized when I clued into my thoughts was, is that my Uncle B? Everything came screeching to halt in my brain. If I had been drinking coffee, I might have spilled on myself again. This man had the same hair, clothes, height, stance, and profile as my Uncle from what I could see. The shock, sadness, and surprise came on me again all at once. Not dissimilar to the feeling when I saw his brother that looks exactly like him through a window on that day. Luckily for me last week, the feeling was fleeting.
I spoke with my mother about it when we went on a walk ride Sunday morning. I was not going to share it with her because I did not want to focus on the negative, I wanted to remember the positive. He would have been eager to hear how the conference went and what people were talking about the next time we got together. Were people getting hopeful or excited yet in the industry. Asking if I networked and met new people.
My mother was the one who brought it up. She was walking and I was riding. It is our thing. There was a lull in the conversation and we were together in the silence. I was remembering that moment at the conference the very second that my mother started to talk about him. Funny how that happens. We all are experiencing the same things in our own ways. We are never alone in anything that we go through. AHAmoment.
Have you had any sneak attacks lately? Good or not so?
Walk in love, dear readers.
I stumbled upon Carla Ber‘s blog a little while ago. Yesterday, not so coincidentally, she published a post entitled, ‘Go Deep. You Are Not Alone‘ basically discussing the very thing I was talking about yesterday, but just a little deeper (See what I did there?). Really, there are several things I have read lately that align with this.
The surface is boring, for all involved. Share your story with someone worthy. You will be amazed at how light and free you feel. By the connections you make. You are not alone. Am I a broken record yet?
It is the very core of why I wanted to start this blog. It is scary. It is hard. Boy, has it been worth it to me. To connect with you, my dear readers.
Sharing the story of my Uncle and the days following was terribly difficult for me. I almost did not do it because I was scared and heartbroken. I did not want to be judged or have my family judged. Thankfully, I realized that not sharing was not only the wrong thing for me, but it would have been the wrong thing for y’all. I feel stronger, lighter, and better for doing it. I can not thank y’all enough for your kind words and prayers. This is more than just about me though, I know that my sharing helped at least one person.
It is a serious kick in the gut to me (my pride) when I have a terrible ride and it is really all my fault. I try to share that though (and probably not very well because, hello, pride and ego) because that is the reality of working with horses. The reality of life. Everyone has bad rides and bad days. I walk in there with a big head, my horse is sure to humble me right down. It is about what you learn from it and how you grow from it. What you do with it and what you make of it. I at least know enough to know that I do not know everything. God willing, I have a lot of life left to live and learn. The horse has way more to teach me that I have to teach him. Most of all, to show up, continue to strive to be my best every day, and not compare my walk with that of another. Many days I feel like I suck at it, but that is OK because I am working on it.
I want to relate with you and know that I am not alone in my struggles. Know that you are not alone in yours. Spark ideas and open our minds.
Anyway, me being me and the way my mind works, reading her post made me think of this song (I know, I am obsessed with him). I hope you enjoy.
Thanks to Sean‘s YouTube for the vid.
Walk in love, dear readers. Share your story.
Never apologize for who you are! Stay true to yourself for that is who you are meant to be. AHAmoment.
I struggle with that at times, as I think we all do. This is one of the main reasons I wanted to start this blog. To be true to myself and be free to express myself. To encourage you to do the same. For you to know that you are not alone in this. Everyone is as unique as their finger print. Fly your flag!
Do what you need to do for you. Forgive yourself your mistakes as you learn from them.
Walk your path and do it in love, both for yourself and others!
AHAmoments 