Joy, it is here! I practically yelled that at you yesterday.
I am still yelling it and feeling it today, but as we all know, life is funny. Facebook slapped me with a memory of one of my Darcy’s Christmas portraits and it just sucker punched me right in the gut.
I was almost literally stomach sick (no mincing words here!). This happens from time to time, that is how grief and memories work, but I also had a dream about her earlier this week and I just can not get her off my mind. So many memories. So many feelings. I tell you I could almost feel her in my arms in the broad light of day.
I got to thinking and I realized that in the last eight years, I have experienced eight deaths. Three of which were tragically devastating.
What a statistic. Numbers are just that, numbers, but that is kind of a lot of deaths in a short period of time for someone who had previously not really experienced any beyond the passing of a well loved pet that lived well into its golden years.
Grief is funny in that when you are in it and close to it, the loss and the myriad of emotions that constitute grief lace all your thoughts and actions. You can not escape it and it seems to shape all you do. Blessedly, time does goes on and it morphs into something a little different bit by bit, but it is always a part of you, part of your inner tapestry, shaping you in different ways and giving you life perspective.
The point of all of this is that the holidays can be a very hard and lonely time for many people for any number of reasons, but chief among them is that in this time of togetherness and in the reflectiveness of winter, one thinks of those they can not gather with.
However, this is the AHA moment. One thing that we ALL share is loss. Grief is something that, while unique to each individual, is a universal connector of us all. NOBODY is alone in their grief for the simple reason that everybody has it. Even if it feels like you are alone at times. When you are in it, you can not see much else.
Here is what I want to tell you. What I have come to live for myself.
Through all the grief and loss there is another side to discover. Somewhat removed, but in a bird’s eye view kind of way. Not just a light at the end of the tunnel as they say.
Good morning, dear readers! Or, whatever time of day it happens to be for you wherever you are!
I just wanted to tell you that joy abounds this very day.
It may begin with you or it may begin with a stranger.
Let it grow, dear readers. Choose to believe it and choose to see it. Let it spread.
It is there!
I was blessed by strangers today and I pray that I blessed others in return.
I had to go downtown this morning to the County Clerk’s office to record a deed. Yes, I realize you can do this by mail, but we needed it done in a timely manner and I had never done this before so I wanted to learn about it by doing it in person. I find it humorous that I never go downtown and I will be there twice by the end of the day.
Anyway, I got up early and finished my eggnog cake for Friday this morning and then got dressed and in the truck before 7:15 to make my way downtown well before 8. I had to find parking, pay for said parking, and get to the door ideally before anyone else. I got there in a round about way because I missed a turn of course (we will not talk about how I made a big goof yesterday by making the wrong turn, so much for GPS), but I was able to find a spot a block down.
While I was in the process of gathering my things, I was approached by a man on the street. I will admit to wanting to ignore him and send him on his way while I thought about how to protect my purse. He babbled on about this and that and all I heard was cancer and tacos pondering what to do. At some point I realized that he was offering to help me use the parking meter correctly to avoid extra fees if I needed it…in exchange for tacos. Still being somewhat confused, I accepted his offer while he told me about his cancer and how how he was about to go in for another chemo treatment. He was very nice and respectful and wanted to show me the taco stand around the corner, presumably so I knew that it was tacos he wanted and not something else.
Now, I am aware that this story could go in any which way and very likely in a bad direction. I just did not feel like this was that kind of situation. We talked for a little bit and I gave him some money for tacos and coffee. He was extremely grateful. I asked him his name, to which he told me was Anthony, and I gave him a hug and a prayer.
I made my way down to the courthouse passing many smiling people. Normally I find that people just look down or have a scowl on their face. I walked into the building and made my way through security…more in depth security than you will find at the airport. TSA is not accepted there, if you were wondering. I asked as I was told I had to take my shoes off. They offered a laugh at my question, possibly in pity. They more than thoroughly went through my purse after it was scanned and smiled and laughed at my ridiculous number of keys. They said I must be a busy person to which I had no response but a smile and a nod. They wished me good day and a Merry Christmas after pointing me in the direction of the County Clerk’s office.
I arrived outside the door five minutes to 8 AM and I was the only person waiting. The door was opened at 8 and I was so nicely asked what I needed. I halfway thought he asked because I looked like I needed help, but I was happy for it none the less, maybe I did look that way. I was still surprised by my morning thus far. I told him what I was there for and he said with enthusiasm, “Yes mam, right this way to the right!” I practically snapped to and said with as much enthusiasm, “THANK YOU!”
The office was joyfully decorated and everyone had a smile on. I followed the signs and stopped at the stop sign. The lady at the window smiled brightly and asked what she could do for me. Her desk was so clean and organized, but it also had very personal things on it including her devotional. The whole encounter was just so nice. She was so happy and helpful and smiley. Is that even a real word? It is now. The whole errand took less than five minutes. She told me she loved my name and that it sounded like a super hero! Color me whatever you wish, but that made me stand up taller! I said thank you about five times and we both wished each other a Merry Christmas.
As I walked back through the building, I swear it got more festive. Everyone was wearing something red and green. Even those in uniform. I complimented everyone and everyone was saying Merry Christmas! On my way back to the truck were even more smiling people! I passed someone carrying red and green cupcakes and I told her to have fun at the party, to which she beamed.
Anthony was not there when I got back to my truck. Hopefully he was filling his belly with tacos.
Joy is here, dear readers.
Love is here.
God is here.
Everyone is in different circumstances and it can be had to see it. The light, it is here.
Walk in love, dear readers!
Enjoy some of my Christmas favorites to help you get in the spirit!
I am sitting in the front room of the farm house, finishing my second cup of coffee. I am contemplating having a third cup, a rarity. This room used to be a porch, once upon a time. At some point, it was screened in and then fully enclosed and incorporated into the house. It still feels like a porch to me with its slightly sunken floor.
I have been up for a few hours now. I have a whole list of things I need to do today and I need to get cracking before it gets too hot. The schedules around here revolve around the heat of the day and how to avoid it. That usually for me means getting a terrible case of cabin fever come mid afternoon and then having a hard time falling asleep at night. Luckily for me, I have had no troubles getting to sleep and staying asleep the last few nights.
Merle turned 3 in June. He was not enthused by his birthday hat and later killed it.
I use this sleep tracking app on my phone that tracks my sleep cycles and utilizes that information to nicely and gently wake you up in the optimum window and grade your sleep. I apparently got a perfect score of 100% quality of sleep last night. As I sit here and watch the world long past it has woken up, it does not feel like I had the best quality of sleep.
The grounding sunset.
August has apparently always been an extremely reflective and anticipatory time for me. I would guess that has something to do with the heat here in Texas and perhaps most Texans feel this way. This is usually the hottest month. Although this year is a little different in that June and July were quite hot and I think some records were even broken.
The long, hot dog days of summer.
Anyway, come August I am usually looking forward to fall and everything that brings. I have written about this before. I am also apparently thinking about different anniversaries. I have also written about this before. Both good and bad. On this particular day, and for weeks now (really every day of the last year), I am thinking about H.
I really have no grand thoughts or revelations for you today. I don’t even really want to go there. On another day I will be back to that super positive person and have better things to say. Life is just hard sometimes. You just crack on. That is it. That is the secret. You do the chores. You cross one thing off the list and do it again tomorrow. If that is all you can do, that is ok. You did it. You won. It changes every day, that is how grief works. I take great comfort in days when things happen and I have no choice but to just get it done. No thinking. Just doing. When I got here to the farm Thursday night, I discovered when I woke up that our bull had found his way next door. I called him a few choice words when he gave me some trouble, but I eventually got him back without too much hardship…and a wasp sting. I then spent some hours just going down the fence line fixing every spot that looked inviting to his wanderlust. I played music and got lost in the monotony and sweat. I reveled in having that sweat stream into my eyes. Bring it on, I said. I was tired by the end of it and looked forward to being sore.
I will say this. It is all for a reason. There is always the light. Focus on that while you do your one thing.
It is on my heart this morning to tell you a little something today.
We have talked about taking a moment several times over the years. A minute. A breath. With the little things and the big things.
Take a moment this fine Friday, spring morning with the green grass growing and the wild flowers growing and the fresh pecan tree leaves against the morning sky to say a little prayer. Or three.
A prayer of thanksgiving for being alive and breathing. For being where you are and looking where you are going. For the lessons you have learned and have aided to teach.
A prayer for God’s will to be done. You and I both know that if things had gone our way, oh boy, we would not actually be where we are today on the path we were meant to walk. How narrow our world would be!
A prayer for you and yours. For whatever it may be today. To be vulnerable, brave, and strong. For a little baby to find a healthy home and shelter, protected to grow big and strong. To feel, see, and hear the Spirit as you take the next step without fear. To take each others’ hands and do it together in love. To fly free without pain, such as a butterfly does.
One of my favorite things about Christmas time is including my animals in it. Taking the time to get everyone groomed up and festive (or as groomed as possible anyhow. Merle makes it difficult.). Maybe take some pictures (duh). Do something fun and special as it is just as much for me as it is for them. This probably makes me weird. Oh well. Well, maybe not all that strange. If I had kids, this would look perfectly normal!
I remember as a kid I would make homemade Christmas stockings for the dogs and hang them around the fireplace next to ours. I would put special dog treats in the stockings for the dogs to enjoy Christmas morning. They would always have a blanket or a bed in the room where the tree was and they would be present and a part of our gifting on Christmas morning. I would also often get them a new toy. My mom and my friends often get my dogs a toy for Christmas too.
Christmas looks a little different now at 33 years of age, but I still like to celebrate with my animals and include them in as much as I can. Even if it is just something simple like ribbons and a bow tie. One, because that personality trait is no different now than any other time of year. It also feels like a way to celebrate them. To pay tribute and gratitude for the gifts that they are.
So, that is what I did Saturday morning. I spent a couple hours when I was not doing chores with my dun duo and the Merley Bob going back to my childhood. Grooming until my arms were tired using every brush in my box. And, yes, using THE GLITTER! I am thinking next year I might be that crazy lady that sends a Christmas card of her animals. Why not?
Enjoy the festivity! And the sheer talent it takes to get everyone to be still and pose. It did not last long! Hit play on the song and have a little scroll!
Merle had left at this point for something in a bush. He was whacking his tail on a broad leafed plant and Lito was sure it was a crouching tiger or a hidden dragon.
Walk in love, dear readers, and share the festivity and the joy!
It is long past time I share some lyrics with you.
I get asked all the time, “What is your favorite song?”
That is a very hard question! It depends! I will say that right now, one of my favorite bands is this band right here, Needtobreathe. That have been at the top of my list for a while. I could go on and on about them, but I think you should just check them out for yourself. I believe I have told you about them before. A really good place to start is right here with today’s song. Give it a listen and tell me that does not hit you right in your core. Go ahead! I dare you.
You’re uncertain and you’re unwell Rags to riches but your heart can’t tell That don’t mean you’re going to hell But that’s how the story goes
You’re like a phoenix rising from the ashes But all you care about is death and taxes And being famous takes too much practice I wish it wasn’t so
I spent my ’20s in the lights of the disco Trying to prove that I could be a hero And there were times when it felt like I was winning But looking back it only lasted a minute
I watched my friends take over the radio All it did was drill a hole in my ego I forgot what goodness was outside my window Ain’t that the way the story goes
I don’t need silver linings I don’t need so much more I just need room to be wrong sometimes That’s all I’m hoping for I feel like we could find it If we knocked on heaven’s door I’d say God I’m only human You’d say that’s what I’m here for
I spent my teens making out in the stairwell Inside a church that went long ‘cause the spirit fell I was really trying to mean something to someone But at the time I just thought that it was fun
I don’t need silver linings I don’t need so much more I just need room to be wrong sometimes That’s all I’m hoping for I feel like we could find it If we knocked on heaven’s door I’d say God I’m only human You’d say that’s what I’m here for
I don’t need silver linings I don’t need so much more I just need room to be wrong sometimes That’s all I’m hoping for
Have a blessed Monday, dear readers, and walk in love.
Be thinking about what you are grateful for! I want to hear! I am glad to be back with you.
I have one more thing to say about that, call it, ‘emotional awakening day’ last week.
Call them nudges. Feelings. Ideas. Messages. Whatever you want to call them, follow through with them. I have told you this AHA moment before, but I am reminding you. I know, I am nice like that.
When you get those ‘nudges,’ follow through with them.
For this particular case, say you get a nudge to call someone. Maybe it is not that fully formed, maybe you just think of someone you do not always think about or have not thought about in a while. Call them or go visit them. Send a card, note, or flowers. Then say a prayer.
You see, last Wednesday I made it through the rest of the work day pretty alright. I went about my business. I got as much done as I could manage. I set out to come home and tackle some ‘adulting’ house things that I have been putting off. We all have those chores.
Still churning inside with more than just energy, I got the best idea. I recently got a new dresser chest of drawers for my bedroom. It was my Grandfather‘s. The old chest I had was falling apart and was not of good quality. Well, long story short, the new dresser made it in, and the old never really made it out. At the time when we brought the new one up, there was not time to deal with the old one. Well, you know how that goes. So the old one has just been sitting empty in my room, too heavy for me deal with on my own. Well, too heavy to deal with in one piece! I decided to take a hammer to it!
You heard me. I just started whacking that thing. Man, it felt good. Whack. Whack. Whack whack! I had it broken up into about ten pieces when I heard my phone start ringing.
Gosh, who could that be?! How dare they interrupt me during my therapeutic activity!? I looked at the screen and froze. I almost could not even answer it.
You see, this friend and I do not speak often and pretty much never on the phone. We are connected through H and our riding group. I swiped to answer and offered a tentative, “Hello?…”
I will make this another long story short. She had one of those nudges and followed through with it. On that day of all days, when I most needed it. We talked and I cried I ugly cried and we talked. No matter that I sound like a dying animal when I cry. I do not remember how long we talked, but it was enough. It worked better than whacking the dresser.
When we hung up the phone, I carried the pieces down and took my Merle on a walk in the fall weather.
I am so glad she followed through on that nudge.
Walk in love, dear readers! Check in on your people!
Also, I highly recommend the physical destruction stress reducer!
Sounds like a sad country song. Sometimes it just hits you. I would not go so far as to say when you least expect it. One expects this to happen at some time and place given the situation. I have been wondering where it was. I have been walking along, day to day, as if…well I do not know. Not as if everything is the same. That is obviously not right. It is not the same and never will be. My mind and body know that. It is some form of shock. Delayed or like a second round. For over 65 days.
I was on my way into work Wednesday morning. Why does it seem that memorable moments always seem to happen in the car? I feel like I have said, “Well, I was driving the other day and…” so many times. It is probably because I spend so much time in the car.
Anyway. I was on my way into work that weatherey morning. My heart is racing and my throat is closing just now thinking about it. I was absently listening to an audiobook of Nora Roberts that I have already listened to at least once while thinking about the day and the coming weekend. How time is moving so quickly. There was a strong cold front blowing in that day, hard and fast with rain and very strong winds, and possibly more. Some would say it was the first ‘real’ cold front to really mark the end of summer down here. I personally would not go that far. That already happened even if we have had a handful of warm days after it.
I wanted to talk. The feeling was more than just what my sister K and I call the ‘dialies,’ that default feeling of wanting to call somebody just because you are driving and not because you really have anything to say. I wanted to talk about everything in and on my mind, but I was stuck. The question of, “Who do I call?” stuck in my mind and my throat. I could call anybody. I told myself as I was stopped at a red light and looking at the graying sky, “Just pick up the phone and call.” But I could not. I just stared at the phone there in the well, like I did not know how. Blank.
I wanted to call H.
And it just hit me. Right there at that red light. Everything got tight as my eyes started to swell. Bam. I could not breathe. I wanted to throw the truck in park and get out of there. Just get out and get some air. To move. To turn around and just head west. Maybe just keep going. Start running.
I could not do that either. The light turned green and somebody honked at me. I jumped in my seat and I may have even shrieked.
I needed to get to the office before the rain. I had things to do and the week was already half over. Nothing else stops just because we do. I drove on, choking on myself. I just rewound the book and I did not call anyone as I got on the freeway.
I wanted to call H and I can no longer call her. It is still so strange and foreign. Such an emptiness. It all happened so fast and inexplicably. It was beyond our control.
She was my person. The one that was always there. The one I could and would call no matter the circumstance. Either to talk about how pretty the day was or because I was on the verge of tears.
Well I have not been able to call her for over 75 days now. I sat there in my office trying to catch my breath as the rain slowly streamed down the window pane and the pine trees whipped back and forth like you would expect in a hurricane. The streaming rain looked like tears to me at the time.
Watching the pine trees outside my office window made me think of this one time not that long ago that I was still talking to her on the phone from my drive in as I came into the office, something that happened often. There was a squirrel in one of those pine trees that I could see building a nest. We probably talked for ten minutes about that dang squirrel as I described to her every move that I could see. She always did that. She really listened to me and did not judge and just let me be me. Accepted me and appreciated me for who I am. Actually asked me about me. We were very different but we were also too the same. She appreciated the silly and weird stuff I had to say, like my squirrel observations. We had real talks about everything under the sun. Silly squirrels or the hard, serious stuff.
Her person and spirit were never closed and she openly shared her life and experiences. She was unfailing in her boundaries that were learned only out of a life lived. She fully lived, up until the last minute she was gifted on this earth. She was fiercely protective of her time, her marriage, her people, and her animals. She was the most true servant and soldier of our Lord. She was real and told it that way, without losing understanding or empathy. If you were her’s, you were just that. It mattered none how much time had passed since the last time you spoke or what had happened, she was there, no matter what.
I have never been one of those people to have many in my inner circle, but she was in there from the beginning. It just was. She is and will always be one of my best friends. Her memory will live on in every single one of us that were blessed to be touched by her. I can only pray to be as open and serving as she was.
All I have to say is this, do not take your time here for granted. For you or for others. This is the biggest and grandest AHA moment for every single one of us. We are only blessed with one life here and none of it is promised. You may not have tomorrow and we do not have control over any of it.
People say the phrases ‘live life to the fullest’ and ‘carpe diem’ and the like all the time in passing. Have you ever really taken those meanings literally given the simple fact that you might not have tomorrow? Take that in. Let it sink in. It is not just something that people say. It is fact. Life.
Say yes and do all the things you have ever wanted to do. Love your people and animals and tell them you do. Think about why you are doing the things you are doing. Ride the horse. Take the trip. Have the meal. Sleep in. Say the words. Smell the flowers. Feel the wind. Walk barefoot in the grass. Get dirty. Buy the clothes. Anything.
We were recently blessed to be able to have our annual ladies ride in the hill country (more on that later). Given the recent state of affairs, we were unable to have our ride in the year 2020. That also made 2019 feel like a very long ago time. Needless to say, we all needed this ride. H was palpably and dearly missed and there were times when I really felt I could not handle it. Literally sick to my stomach. But she was there. She was very much there. I felt her and I saw her and I was not alone. We were not alone. We were serenaded by butterflies every moment on horseback.
When Lito and I were safely back at the farm, I was thinking of the ride and of H and of the butterflies when my gaze was pulled. I looked up, up into the sky. What do you think I saw? A rainbow. And I am not talking a normal horizon to horizon rainbow like you always see. I am talking an up high, heavenward rainbow like I have never before seen in my life.
I have no doubts in my mind where she is and what she is doing. There are so many things we will not understand in this earthly life and that is OK! Just know, that however hard, it all happens for a reason. We will all know one day.
Walk in love, dear readers.
Do you remember anything you just read? Go back and read it again. Go live it.
That is what I said to R at some point in May when she asked if I wanted to go to Wyoming and ride the Tetons and Yellowstone.
Life is about saying YES, remember?! It is too short not to. One day is today.
I could try to describe this trip, but I really do not think I could do the beauty of God’s artwork justice. If the pictures can not, how on earth could words? All I can say is, like I am pretty sure I have said before, is that mountains, like storms, have a way of reminding you of your place here on earth.
It was a full spectrum trip that involved the luxury of Jackson, Wyoming and the ruggedness of the crunch of frosty mountain meadow grass underfoot when you first step out of your tent in the morning.
We flew in and out of Jackson and spent those two bookend nights there in two different nice hotels. We enjoyed two of the most fabulous meals at a steak house and an Italian restaurant. We definitely said yes on our two nights here. No holding back and it was worth it!
We spent the middle two days and nights riding and camping in the mountains. We rode three different horses each. Most of the horses were of at least some draft blood and we loved it. We rode all day. We ate outside. We made smores. We got in the cold rivers and creeks in addition to the hot springs. We drank champagne in the water and red wine with dinner. We soaked in the scenery.
Enjoy our trip to Wyoming through pictures.
Walk in love, dear readers! I hope you enjoyed the view!
Imagine yourself sitting in a chair, right here, gazing out into the distance. Notice the vibrant green of the clover. The soft, subtle ripples of the water. Do you feel the breeze on your skin?
See the twinkling reflection of the sunlight over the top of the pond as it blends into those ripples. The dancing, magical light of the setting sun. Stare, just for a fleeting minuscule moment, at the sun, and how it fades into an the deepening sky above you. Can you see the setting of the sun?
