Did your mom ever tell you that as a kid? Or even still now? Once a mom always a mom they say. Mine did it some. It always bugged me, as it does most kids thinking they know all.
Anyway. That is not what this post is about.
I am going to fill this post with between the ears photos just because.
Just because I feel like it and that is what is filling my brain right now. The need to just ride. So, I share these with all of you who need it too.
“My lack of thoughts yesterday got me thinking about thinking.
Thinking too much can be counter productive.
Sometimes it is good to clear your mind of thoughts, relax, lose yourself in the moment and just ride. It is amazing how many things can just fall into place when you do this.”
Ian Leighton
From one over thinker to another!
The ironic thing about it all is that overthinking and that endless circular cycle leads to a lack of real, productive thought. Gets you nowhere I tell you. Makes you feel like you have a lack of thoughts. Funny thing to think about, but hey. Hence the lack of posts over here!
For me, overthinking has a direct relationship with my ride time. I guess actually, technically, it would be an inverse relationship if you want to get, you know, technical.
The less ride time I get, the deeper in the circular hole of overthinking I go and you can say bye bye to all my deep thoughts.
I clearly got a little overzealous in stating that the riding drought was over. I have not ridden since. However, it looks like this weekend is a go. Praise the Lord!
So, this is me this week.
Carefully tip toeing across to get to Friday.
To get to my open spaces and velvet muzzle nuzzles.
Your favorite, I know. It is hitting me hard today. This whole week really.
I am sitting here on my couch watching trash reality television while sipping a cocktail. I have an odd love of bad TV. It is like literal arrested development. I wish Sister K was hear to watch with me. She likes to watch the same shows.
I wish my horses were closer. I need this.
Or a ride. Or both. The struggle is real over here. I am regretting not riding last weekend.
It has been a long day at work in an oddly long feeling, but technically short week.
I live close to a high school and I can hear the announcer’s calls on the football game. Takes me back to college.
There are also a lot of cicadas here where I live. This is not a foreign thing to me, I am used to these bugs. But seriously, there are a large number of them here. Much more than anywhere else I have ever been and they are as loud as the football announcer. It makes for quite the symphony.
I have poison ivy on my right arm. It itches. I do not even really know where or how I got it. Woowee. I do not recommend that one.
You know those songs that just never go out of style? That are always applicable? Sometimes they may take you back, but just as often, they speak to you right now in the present because it is honest, raw, and real?
This, my friends, is one of those.
I have probably shared this before, but I do not care. Give it a listen. I just can not get enough of it. Ever. For years I have been listening and it hits me the same every time.
As thought provoking as it is, it is soothing to the very soul.
Always striving for that inner peace. Stillness. Silence. Walking your path. Focusing on Him through it all, no matter what is going on around.
“I been thinkin’ too much about it
What I thought was certain, now I doubt it
So if its over tell me where do I begin
And are there anymore answers left out there in the wind
Sometimes I feel like an Amarillo windmill
Standin’ out in the great wide open alone
And every thought’s a gust of wind
Spins the blades in my mind again
If they spin too much they might break or bend
Aw but if that wild wind ever did lie still
My dreams would turn to rust out in the fields
So I’ll just watch the world fly by me
There’s a silence wellin’ up in side me
Let the rains fall let the winds do what they will
Let it all spin, just let me be still
Sometimes I feel like an Amarillo windmill
Standin’ out in the great wide open alone
And every thought’s a gust of wind
Spins the blades in my mind again
If they spin too much they might break or bend
Aw but if that wild wind ever did lie still
My dreams would turn to rust out in the fields
Yeah but if that wild wind ever did lie still
My dreams would turn to rust out in the fields”
~Mike McClure, The Great Divide
Stir that around in your pot of thoughts, dear readers, and walk in love!
We live in a world where everyone is striving for perfection. Everything has to be perfect. It is hard to even truly define and comprehend the word. Is there any such thing as ‘without fault’ in this human world?
I read something other day about it in fact. Something about being a perfectionist and how it makes you great. Everything about it I loved except that word. Perfect.
“Riding, like life, does not have to be perfect to be wonderful.”
AHAmoment. Riding and life is never perfect, but it is always wonderful, magical, and beautiful. This is one thing horses have taught me. There is always a silver lining. There is always something to be learned and something positive to take away. The beauty comes from the imperfect and how everything still forms around it. What you can make out of it. The striving for the goal, to always be better. Fault can always be found, but it is how you look at it.
To me, humans can never be perfect because we do not have the control.
If I go out to ride with the goal of making it perfect, they humble me right down and remind me that is not what it is about. They live in the moment like we should. We try so hard to control everything in our lives. However, if I go out with the goal to enjoy the ride, make it the best we can, and be better than yesterday, they give me their all and nothing can beat it. Perfect does not even come close. I can see and feel them try.
It is the same in life. Chasing perfection forces you to compare yourself to an outside standard or someone else. You will never get where you really want to be that way. The point is the path. The journey. That is what it is about. It is yours and no one else’s. Incomparable. Made and intended for you and only you. Enjoy it. Walk it. Be better than yesterday. Keep refocusing and aiming your arrow. That is where the wonder and beauty of life comes from. Not from trying to control it and make everything perfect to some made up standard.
The beauty of horses and life.
Stir that around in your pot of thoughts for a bit. Think about it the next time you are about to use that ‘p’ word. It is pretty dang strong! I am guilty of over using it myself!
A year later and I still have no words to describe it. Not the feelings I have. Certainly not the feelings of my family.
Even now as I type these words, it feels so utterly strange. Uncharted territory, even as the first year is up. Different from a year ago, and yet, the same. I am not sure if anyone else in this situation has felt this way. I suppose each is different.
Yesterday I was aimlessly scrolling through Facebook and I wondered to myself, why am I doing this? Something so simple and mindless and downright meaningless? I had that EXACT same thought and feeling a year ago today after I heard the news.
Honestly, I did not want to write this post today and I have been dreading it. I do not want to relive it and do not want certain readers to relive it. It is too close. I did not want to offend or hurt anyone. To dishonor him.
Then it occurred to me that I, or we, do not need a blog post to relive it. It happens all the time. Thankfully, a little less as time goes on. Time heals, little by little. It becomes apparent when you look back. That I know for sure.
I need to write this post. For me. For my family. And for you. For anyone that has ever lost anyone. For him. To celebrate him and his life and his loved ones. The survivors because that is what we are. My Uncle was a beautiful and faithful man. Which makes it even harder at times. I suspect we will never know the answer to why in this earthly life. As is the way with many things we go through. There are no answers.
The only way I know how to honor him is to celebrate this life that I am blessed to have. That I am here to witness the Lord’s beauty around me. To LIVE every minute and celebrate every moment like it is my last. Do what makes my heart smile. Seek the Lord and allow His will to be done through me. To be a blessing to those around me. That is what I am thankful for this Thanksgiving.
So, that is what I am trying to do and what I try to encourage others to do.
I still pray for us to lean into our Lord in these hard times. To grow together. To grow in our faith together. As a family. It is hard and will continue to be. But we have to. We have to for ourselves and for the next generation.
I hope I have not lost you. For those of you that were not here or do not know the story and would like to, I have linked my writings of the series of events from a year ago below. In sharing these posts again, my only hope is to reach those that need to hear these words. For them to know they are not alone and that there are people that have been through this. That know how they feel. That there is still beauty and light all around us.
The sun is fierce this morning, y’all. It feels like it is going to be a hot one. But. I am not here to talk about the weather. Even if it might be easier to do.
My creative juices have not been flowing forth as of late if you have not been able to tell. In a funk, if you will. Again. Or still. It is what it is, but I do not have to like it.
It is also scary. Being vulnerable. This whole blog thing. Making it public…what was I thinking!? Woof.
Someone once said I was brave for starting this blog and sharing my story. I do not feel very brave lately.
I meant to post this last night, but then I got self conscious about it and conveniently ran out of time. What about the other days since I last posted? Shh. I do not know.
I am just going to say it. Part of this funk leaves me feeling alone. There, I said it. It is true. There is more to it than that, like vocation, desires, future, faithfully waiting that all plays its roll in the bigger picture of the feeling. Blah, blah, blah.
But here is the thing.
There are times when I think it might be easier to not be me. Did a bomb just go off? Very brief, short times, but still very present. Easier to change what might be different about me and be like ‘everyone else.’ Be more accepted. Whatever all that means.
I might fit in more. Who cares? Did I ever care about that? I am not sure I really do.
Have more friends. Do I need more friends? I have never been one to have a huge group. Just my close, small group.
Maybe not be single? Eh. I would rather not be in a relationship than be in one where I could not be myself.
That I wouldn’t feel lost in this way. Is lost a strong word for this? I am not sure. No stronger than alone, I guess. No one else seems to be going through this. They are all out living their lives. Aren’t they? Is that not what the book of face and insta prove? Ha! I do not believe any of that for a second.
Not stuck in my head of circular thoughts, unable to still?
I have no way of knowing any of that, but I do not believe it would be easier. Indeed it would be harder. I tried to be someone I wasn’t once. It was terrible. It was in middle school. It sounds silly and trivial, I know, but it is true.
I had a very clear feeling that I was not like everyone else. I was too different. I was outside of the box. I felt like a round peg in a square hole. I liked different things, like going to the farm to ride. I did not care to break rules or do things we were not supposed to do. I was quiet. I related more to older people than kids my own age. I did not care to wear makeup or do my hair or wear nice clothes, much to my mother’s chagrin. I felt lost and I did not know why.
I told myself I was going to change. Be more square. Not talk about horses as much. Talk more. Make more friends. Look like someone I wasn’t. I do not know how long this lasted, but I do not think very long. I felt more lost than ever before. Like a stranger in my own skin. I suppose I made more ‘friends,’ but there were not real. I went back to being me because that was the only thing that felt right. It was easy and not hard.
I have been rather. Um. Restless as of late. Desiring a change and not knowing much more than that. Feeling an outside need for change, greater than my own desire. A greater and grander plan. I can’t see the path yet. I guess that is what seasons of waiting are to feel like. I do not know what it looks like or feels like. I am doing my best to seek Him and be faithful in my waiting. To grow and learn what He needs me to. To see and feel Him seeking me. To pray. Keeping knocking.
“Believe me, the choice that does not involve Him always ends up in a bad and downright disappointing place. It ends up in failure because it’s not the path we are meant to be on. It’s not the truth. Seek Him and you will find the truth.”
~Cory Morrow
Desiring a change in life, or rather, feeling the imminent change (and not knowing what it is) is different than changing who you are. Not being you. AHAmoment.
You were made a certain way for a reason. Divinely and uniquely made. Tailor-made. For a purpose. He has a plan and a path for that plan. The road and the gate are narrow, yet easy to follow when you keep your focus on Him. We like to make things complicated and difficult. Instead, keep it simple. His path is the path of least resistance.
Anyone still there??? Does any of this make sense? No?
Just trying to catch up on life, day by day. An odd thought if you ask me, when you really think about it. Catching up on life. Sometimes, stuff just adds up in life and there is not much time left to do anything but get what rest you can and wake up in the morning and do it again. AHAmoment. Tackle the day you have when you get it, and get done what needs to get done. No more, no less. Just like riding the horse you have that day. Sometimes, the basic needs are all that gets accomplished, and that is more than OK! One step at a time. Just let go and let Him because He is our strength. With Him and trough Him, all will get done, in His time! And it will be beautiful.
Working, injured horse, equine health scare, hours and miles in the car, moving, mom’s knee surgery, broken cars, change, and a whole lot of other every day life stuff has kinda added up over the last month and my conversations with y’all have suffered. For that, I am sorry. But, we are no worse for wear and hopefully slowing down a little! It is easier to remember to breathe when there are not so many things going on, but just like H said, slow down and take a breath and then take a step. If I would have remembered that, maybe I would not have had that diesel incident!…or lack there of, as it were.
I do not have much to report and that is OK. This too shall change, of that I am sure.
We finished Lito’s rehab/physical therapy exercise regimen yesterday with complete soundness and the vet came out to check him. He was cleared to be on full turnout again and to slowly return to full work! Relieved is what I think I feel, but it is a slow release. One day, one step, one breath at a time! I will ride the horse I have that day and we will get back to where we were! I am celebrating this!
Also, I am finally and officially moved into my townhouse. Let us not discuss how long that took me. Way too long, but that does not matter. What matters is that Darcy and I are there and we love it. It feels good and we have already met a neighbor! I have a few things left I need to tend to, but we are 90% there.
Anyway, that is where we are.
I will leave you with this, my final thought. Brought to you by Owen Temple. Make it a beautiful life. You do only get one. We are surrounded by beauty and light if we allow ourselves to see it!
“Not gonna give up, not gonna give in
Making a life, not just a living”
Like seeing my horses basically every day for the past several weeks. Darcy. The green grass and trees. The blue sky and clouds. The breeze that kept us cooler. The sound of hoof beats on our dirt road. Lito’s attitude and heart, golden rod coat, Beatles-like mane, and cute pricked ears. Like finally having my own place again. Like my cousin marrying the woman of his dreams and being with my family. Celebrating Father’s Day with my dad!
Wedding fun with mom and sisters.
The best Pops.
Walk in love, dear readers! Until next time. Very soon.
Continue in His blessings that He will be a blessing to others through you.
Stir that around for a bit.
That is the face of restricted, solitary turnout. Poor guy. Part of me doesn’t feel all that bad for him since it was likely his rambunctious behavior that landed him here.
OK fine. I do feel terribly for him.
Despite some early drama, this situation is working out so far. Fingers crossed. How many days are left?
I left the farm at 6 this morning to get to work on time. Well, moderately on time. For some reason, rain makes many people forget how to drive. What normally takes an hour took one and a half.
And I found a bug in my coffee. I had to chuckle at that one. Better than hay and horse dirt! Bugs are easier to get out or work around.
