My sweet and innocent Darcy girl. Not even six years old.
It is quite advanced and pervasive. Between ultrasound and test results, her current status and lack of appetite, my own research, and separate vet opinions, there is not a viable treatment option.
I am completely gutted. It has taken us by storm, the likes of which I have never before known. Not like a slow creeping hurricane. It feels more than rude and unfair. Human life is hard enough on its own without making the animal lives hard.
I could go on in this manner, and admittedly I have had those moments (completely broke down while driving and again on a restaurant patio with my mom), but we must be strong and positive for her. View the world and live life the way she does. Give her the best of the best. Keep playing. We have not struck out in the game of life.
We celebrate the life we have, every day, and take each day as it comes. I am going to do everything I can to give her the best quality of life possible until it is her time. She can eat whatever she wants to eat, healthy diet out the window. She is going to go with me everywhere possible. We are going to have as much farm time as I can manage. We find a reason (and there are many) to sing a song through it all.
All the prayers, positive thoughts and vibes would be greatly appreciated by us both.
I do not understand this and I do not think I ever will.
Such a happy dog that brings endless joy to every being she encounters. So much greatness must be shared. Her spirit must have a greater calling.
If you have any tried and true proven ways to keep a dog eating, lay them on me. I need more tricks up my sleeve.
There is a life lesson somewhere in here. I am just working on unpacking it.
Walk in love, dear readers, even when it is dang hard. I am taking my time.
Do not say it too terribly loud though. Or play the music too loud. Or dance too much. Or drink too much bubbly, even if it is Wine Wednesday (I may or may not be imbibing at this very moment). We do not want to scare it off. I do not think any of us can handle that, but I think it is safe to say we can celebrate a little and I am celebrating spring today. Remember there is always something to celebrate every day! You will know when it is time to turn the celebration up.
I almost can not believe it. It feels like just yesterday I was writing to you about the beginning of fall. The past several months have left me stunned with wind burned cheeks and windswept hair from the time speeding past me. I have entered a new season in my life apparently, but that is a story for another day. A whole other pot of thoughts to stir around.
Anyway. Back to spring because that is what we are celebrating today.
The time has changed back. Do you know what that means?
You think I am kidding? This is no laughing matter. Ask any horse person. Well any horse person without arena lights. This means MORE RIDING TIME. Seriously. I can actually go out to the farm after work and have time to ride! I could start jumping up and down this minute at the very thought.
The horses are starting to shed. All of them. Not just the early ones. All of them. I can see it now.
Horse hair everywhere.
We have had the showers. For months actually, but we do not need to go on about that any more than I already have. You know what they say. Showers bring flowers.
Which brings me to…Wildflowers. They are coming out to play and things are getting green!
It is actually rainy today, but that is not raining on my parade today.
Spring, it is coming! Go smile and have some bubbly and celebrate.
Walk in love, dear readers! You made it through hump day!
Celebrate your individuality. Not only today, but every day. There must be something in the water…or something. You know, be you. Love what you love. Not to worry about what other people think because it has no bearing on you. No hold. What other people think has more to do about them than about you.
So, in that spirit.
I am the kind of gal that gets surprised by the new noises that can be heard on the north wind after the first cold front of the year. That happened this morning.
I am a complete album kind of gal. To me, whole albums are a complete work and I have more complete albums than single songs in my music library. How many times can I say complete? This also means I am a music buyer and not a streamer.
I am a go to the grocery store hungry and buy all the things I do not need kind of gal. This turns into me being surprised at the check out every time.
I am the kind of gal that likes to drive on the line rather than between them. There may be some kind of deeper life metaphor in there. Apples don’t fall far.
I am a turn the gospel music on in traffic so I do not get Traffic Tourette’s and yell at people kind of gal. I really helps.
I am an early to bed, early to rise kind of gal with a full night’s rest in between. You know how I am about my sunrises and sunsets. Besides, they just said on the news that sleep deprivation leads to Alzheimer’s. Must be true, right?
I am a sit around the fire pit kind of gal and always have been. I can not wait for the first fire of the year.
I am the kind of gal that gets only mildly surprised and greatly amused when I discover I am many times over a product of where I come from. Fascinating, right?
I am a cross wall gal. As in I have a wall of crosses in my house. So does my oldest sister, A.
I am a close the cabinets and drawers all the way kind of gal.
I am the kind of gal that wears more than once necklace at a time because I can not just pick one.
I am a set the table for dinner gal. I actually keep my dining room table set, complete with cloth napkins and napkin rings all times, but I eat on my couch 99% of the time. I just have a thing for table settings. And lots and lots of candles.
I am a color gal. Lots of color. My closet looks like a rainbow. ‘Winter’ colors are not really a thing for me.
I am a flavored coffee gal. Get of your high horse, coffee people. Pecan coffee is good, I do not care what you say.
I am the type of gal that smiles when I come home and there are dog toys scattered all over the house behind my dog greeting me at the door with her wagging tail.
I am a planning and dreaming gal. I am not spontaneous as a general rule, not that I can not be, I just prefer to plan…the whole day. Every day. But I am also capable of adjusting. I also day dream a lot. Little dreams and big dreams. Close ones and far off ones.
I am an ask all the questions kind of gal. I love my details. I was told once that I should be a lawyer because I like details. I found this more than mildly amusing.
I am a gal that prefers animals to most people. Although, I think you already know that.
I am a gal that does not mind getting dirty and using her hands.
I am an independent gal. A do not tell me what to do kind of gal. I have been told that this intimidates people. What people? Who are these people? I also find this amusing. I do not think of myself as intimidating. Maybe I am. Strong, sure, but like I said, I am a product of where I come from. Most of the people in my life are this way, related or not.
I am a helping gal. I like to help people. To be of service.
I am a gal that has an easy to read face. There is no hiding my thoughts if you can see my face. I am no poker player, that is for sure. I also have a tendency to roll my eyes. Very loudly. And normally I do not even know I do it. I had a teacher in high school call me out for this one time. It made me laugh.
I am a homebody type gal and I need my alone time sometimes.
I am a gal that knows she is a child of God and was made this way for a reason. Even if it is hard sometimes.
What kind of person are you? Let us celebrate it! Thank you for being you and being here!
I read something the yesterday that was pretty spot on and I wanted to share it with you. You know, because that is something I like to do.
My friend, M, shared this article over on the book of face and, intrigued, I gave it a click. You should do the same and give it a read. It does not matter if you chase cans, jump pretty painted sticks, dance inside a rectangle, or stroll the trails. It does not really have anything to do with horses.
“We show the world a version of ourselves. But rarely the whole picture. We give everyone a glimpse of the bright moments, the triumph, and the fun. But what about the rest of the story? What about the defeat, the heartache, the sin and loss? Where is the real stuff?
Transparency is scary stuff. Baring your soul to the world is not for the weak hearted. But what if we all were a little less guarded?
Does transparency invite judgment and criticism? Probably. But it also invites grace, empathy and compassion.”
This, my dear readers, is about life and what IT is all about. The greatest of all AHAmoments. This one of the main reasons I started this little blog of mine.
Why I share the good, the bad, and the ugly. And, hopefully, sometimes funny. This is why I share my stories and my struggles. My victories after challenges. What I learned after failure so it is not really failure. Why I try to fight the negativity with positivity, the dark with the light. This is why I share the music I do. Why I share the love of my animals.
To reach just one person and maybe help them. So they know they are not alone and, honestly, so I know the same. That is real, and that is life. So they know that we are all in this together, walking this walk. And dang, it is hard sometimes. Just ask anyone who will tell the truth. We are all more alike than we think.
Life is about speaking the truth and sharing your story. Your testimony and what gets you through. Being brave and vulnerable, even if it does not feel brave because it feels scary.
This article made my day.
Here is what real life for me is like sometimes on Mondays. I woke up yesterday after hitting the snooze button for at least thirty minutes, cussing as I shuffled through the shavings on the floor (that spilled out of the cuff of my jeans on Sunday for the umpteeth time)(I also won’t mention all the burrs scattered all over all the floors. Wherever the Darcy goes, so go the burrs), took my dog out, threw on work clothes (some of which I pulled from the laundry piles covering my bedroom floor….the laundry that I did not do Sunday), and ran out the door to go to work. Stopping to get coffee because I did not have the time, or the milk, to have coffee at home. All the while feeling guilty about all of the above and dreading the list of things that awaited me at my office desk. Some days are just like that. They can’t all be rainbows and roses.
Today I awoke with a new vigor while aiming my arrow, and not just because I now have milk for my coffee. A positive attitude is all it takes, seeing the bright side. To keep praying and keep knocking, putting it out there and believing. Sharing that story. I actually saw a rainbow after the rains at the end of the day yesterday. As if that is not proof positive enough! Is it easy, no, not at first, but just like everything else, it gets easier the more you do it and make it a part of your everyday thinking.
“Revelation 12:11 tells us that we overcome the enemy by the blood of Jesus and our testimony.
Let your real story, your testimony be heard because even when you are living in the thick of it, it could be the very thing that helps someone else overcome.
Be bold and transparent because of the free gift of forgiveness and salvation. None of us have done a darn thing to earn it, so let’s all be a little more real with each other.”
Go on. Go give it a read. And maybe you’ll be inspired to pass it on to the next person.
I am happy to have each of you to share and celebrate with.
Where would we be without her or both of my parents? I know I certainly do not know where or what I would be.
I know it is not quite yet Mother’s Day, but I celebrate my mom every day.
I celebrate her for who and what she is. I celebrate her for putting up with me. I celebrate her for her selflessness and doing everything for me. I celebrate her for allowing me to be who I am and doing her best to embrace it. I celebrate her for being a part of me.
She is the best mom in the world. That is what I tell people when they ask about her.
She made my school lunch every day and would draw horses on the brown paper bag. She would have my dad drive her in the golf cart, wrapped in a sleeping bag, on cold winter mornings to look for me if I rode longer than normal, just to make sure I was OK. She figured out how we could spend the most amount of time at the farm during the summers so I could ride and be where I loved. On those summer days, we would eat dinner early so we could go for drives on the back roads together. With the windows down, we soaked in the country air and scenery. We were waiting for the heat to lift so I could go for a sunset ride on my palomino mare, Fresca. She allowed me to have riding lessons every day when we were in Mexico so I could learn and get better. Just for the love of it.
I could go on and on.
When I was younger, for Mother’s Day I would braid my mare’s mane with ribbons and flowers to spell out mom on Mother’s Day. I sat on my mare in the barn and colored cards for her before she would wake up, misspellings and all. I would pick wildflowers from the horse pasture and try make them last. They never did.
Nowadays I play her music instead of cards because it speaks to us both, more than any card could. I will bake a dessert I think she will like for dinner because I love to do that for people and she has discerning taste. And every time I swing my leg over my pony, I thank the good Lord above for not only the gift that is them, but the gift that is my mother. For giving me that part of her and for her allowing that to grow within me. Well, not that she really had much choice. It is in our blood.
I would say my dad, sisters, and I would have the family over and plan dinner, but we did that once. It was Dad’s idea. It did not work out so well. Mom is the best at that. This year we will go to Aunt M’s house for Mother’s Day dinner with everyone. That is what makes her happy.
We will be celebrating many mothers this coming Sunday. Grandmothers. Mothers. Aunts. Cousins. Sisters.
I hope I am half the mother she is and they are one day.
What is your favorite memory of the mother in your life?
Well mostly, that is. Always have to have that caveat to cover your bases, you know what I mean? But let us not focus on that.
So, let’s make today a Celebration Tuesday. It is a thing, trust me. I made it up. Because we all have something to celebrate, no matter the day or time. And because I can. And because, well, it certainly sounds better than Boring Tuesday! It is what you make it. AHAmoment.
The deal and the paperwork on the new car has been completed and I should have it in my possession tomorrow or the next day. Fingers crossed. I took care of that yesterday.
Can anyone please tell my why that process takes so long?! I was amazed! Four hours just to sign papers…ridiculous. Anyway. Now I just have to give my old car a good wash before I deliver him to his new owner. The whole process was not as bad as I thought it would be. Also, surprisingly not as exciting as I thought either but I am guessing that is because I do not have it yet. But alas, still something to celebrate!
My Darcy girl is finally back to her normal, bubbly self. All systems are a go, if you will. This is more than enough reason to celebrate!
No more eating dirt just to get the pig drippings, you naughty dog!
Play time after bath time equals nap time in Darcy land. I am not sure who had a harder time last week, her or me. It is terrible to watch any animal in pain. Seriously, the worst.
We are about there at redemption with Lito and our trailer loading set back. He is pretty consistently self loading and seems much more comfortable with the whole deal. This weekend I will take him for a little drive up the road and back to see how he feels about it. I would prefer him to just follow me in, but I will take what I can get. If that is how he prefers it, I will just have to open my mind to it. So, ware celebrating this as well! Celebrating it for Lito and his accomplishments.
He has lost some confidence in these past few weeks and that really hurts my heart. It feels like it is my fault and I do not know where I went wrong. All I know is I have the faith, love, and time it takes to to get him back to his confident self. Going back to Kindergarten is fun right? You get nap time? And snack time? Hopefully we will pick the riding back up in a couple of weeks. We will get through this phase together and be better for it.
I took my Cheetah girl for a 2 hour road ride on Sunday. It was quiet and she power walked the whole time like we were really going somewhere. It made me wish we really were. We both needed that time alone, out together, just going, even if it wasn’t anywhere specific.
Just look at those happy ears.
What are you celebrating on this Tuesday?
It’s not a boring Tuesday anymore when you look at it like that, is it?
Get your sunglasses out. I have started and stopped about ten times and still do not quite know how to start it.
A great man went to his Heavenly home on Monday. My Grandmother’s Husband since she was 19. My Mother’s Father. My Grandfather. Although, he would get mad at us if we called him any such thing. Made him appear old he would say. Gee Gee for George. Everyone, family and friends, called him that. I learned this week that there are people that did not even know his name was George. Gee Gee is his name.
Mere words do not do him justice. How does one pay tribute to such a being. You had to know him or know someone who knew him. Larger than life he was, and he knew how to live every second of it and fill it with music and dancing, tequila (it makes you smart he would always say, but he had plenty of smarts all on his own), family, the outdoors, and of course horses. Lots and lots of horses and horse stories.
I still can not write this without tears in my eyes. Which is less than convenient with a face of makeup. Go me for being an adult and putting my face on.
The tears are represented by many emotions. Sadness, of course, is very present. The realness and suddenness of it (sudden as in one day there and the next not), sure. It really was not that sudden. The thoughts of looking to the future and visualizing what it looks like and feels like. Him not being there (how about a punch in the gut to say that?). At the same time, the blessing and relief. How strange it feels to feel and write that.
When my sister first called I had a feeling it was coming. I did not know quite how to act when she told me. I did not cry or have much to say, it just was. It seems most of us feel that way. I suppose that is the blessing and relief of it. That he is now whole and complete, making music again.
He was 92 years old. We went a few years thinking any day was going to be his homecoming, but, he continued to defy the odds. It was still a shock when it actually happened. On Monday, January 22, 2018 he went peacefully with a smile on his face and a full belly. What a blessing that is! To live his whole life happy and to go peacefully. Even with the years of dementia (that he was even able to hide for many years in the beginning), he was happy through it all and always knew the love of his life.
I have lived my whole life, of 29 years, with two full sets of grandparents. How many people do you know that can say that??? I have discovered not many people can. When people would hear that I have 2 full sets of grandparents still alive, they would look at me in wonder and astonishment. I have stopped being surprised at people’s looks. There are nine of us Grandchildren (non including the spouses) that could claim that.
I could go on and on about him. How smart and passionate he was. How he loved music and could sing and play multiple instruments. How he made records and sang with the mariachi bands at the Mexican restaurants. How they would marvel how well he knew their music. How he helped my mom with her math homework after coming home late from work. How I see him in his younger brother, 16 years his junior. How he loved his dogs and the outdoors and to fish and hunt. How he stamped all of us in a unique way.
My stamp was the horses and music, but mainly the horses. Entirely different than that of my Grandmother, the ultimate horsewoman.
I would sit with him for hours and listen to his stories about horses past. He was generally a quiet man, letting everyone else do the talking. An easy thing to do with our family. There was never enough air in the room and being in our presence was commonly compared to watching a tennis match. But what I loved most was when he would get to talking about his horses, even my Grandmother would sit silently staring at him, completely captivated.
I remember the last time they came to the farm. My Grandmother, naturally, was drawn by Ike and my Lito, wanting to talk about them and how they rode. Gee Gee on the other hand, with not much of his memory left, took one look at Chance and said, “now that is a Quarter Horse. I like this horse. You need to flush his eye.” I guess he liked the look of him! His eye lid was irritated and swollen at the time. I had already flushed it.
“Now that horse comes out half cocked, so you better ride him down and work him out of it first,” he would say about Chato, the last horse he had. He was a little feed lot horse and would politely slow down to a halt every time my phone would ring.
My Mom would always tell me how Gee Gee would ride every horse first before any of the kids hopped on, just to make sure their heads were on straight. Something I have always done because of that.
He once hauled a horse in a trailer with a faulty floor. The thought gives me nightmares. He crawled in the loaded trailer and fixed the floor mid route because the man said the horse would be fine to do it.
Consequently, I still can not find pictures of the two more prominent horses in his life. Jenny and Rowdy Dexter. Or of him taking my Mom and Aunt and Uncle riding. Jenny was the young filly he kept at the local stables where he met my Grandmother. She kept her horse at the same barn. My kind of love story. I will never be able to tell a story like him. I am not going to give up on finding them.
To tell some of the stories, I have these to share.
Time to hit play on the music and stir our tequila drinks as we remember and celebrate this great man. I do believe anything less than a party he would not stand for.
This has been a slow blogging month for me, but I am still here chugging along. There is still much to see to yet, but I am not going anywhere.
Life is an interesting thing, as you have heard me say multiple times. How everything comes full circle. With death there too also comes life. Gee Gee will live on in another member of our family, due to arrive in August. I get to be an Aunt again!
A year later and I still have no words to describe it. Not the feelings I have. Certainly not the feelings of my family.
Even now as I type these words, it feels so utterly strange. Uncharted territory, even as the first year is up. Different from a year ago, and yet, the same. I am not sure if anyone else in this situation has felt this way. I suppose each is different.
Yesterday I was aimlessly scrolling through Facebook and I wondered to myself, why am I doing this? Something so simple and mindless and downright meaningless? I had that EXACT same thought and feeling a year ago today after I heard the news.
Honestly, I did not want to write this post today and I have been dreading it. I do not want to relive it and do not want certain readers to relive it. It is too close. I did not want to offend or hurt anyone. To dishonor him.
Then it occurred to me that I, or we, do not need a blog post to relive it. It happens all the time. Thankfully, a little less as time goes on. Time heals, little by little. It becomes apparent when you look back. That I know for sure.
I need to write this post. For me. For my family. And for you. For anyone that has ever lost anyone. For him. To celebrate him and his life and his loved ones. The survivors because that is what we are. My Uncle was a beautiful and faithful man. Which makes it even harder at times. I suspect we will never know the answer to why in this earthly life. As is the way with many things we go through. There are no answers.
The only way I know how to honor him is to celebrate this life that I am blessed to have. That I am here to witness the Lord’s beauty around me. To LIVE every minute and celebrate every moment like it is my last. Do what makes my heart smile. Seek the Lord and allow His will to be done through me. To be a blessing to those around me. That is what I am thankful for this Thanksgiving.
So, that is what I am trying to do and what I try to encourage others to do.
I still pray for us to lean into our Lord in these hard times. To grow together. To grow in our faith together. As a family. It is hard and will continue to be. But we have to. We have to for ourselves and for the next generation.
I hope I have not lost you. For those of you that were not here or do not know the story and would like to, I have linked my writings of the series of events from a year ago below. In sharing these posts again, my only hope is to reach those that need to hear these words. For them to know they are not alone and that there are people that have been through this. That know how they feel. That there is still beauty and light all around us.
That is my directive to you, dear readers! Make it a mantra. AHA moment. It is one of the secrets to life. Yes, I know. You’re welcome.
Hard sometimes? You bet your boots. But hey, anything worth doing, right?
An unexpected day off today, so I am changing it up for my long weekend. Darcy and I hit the road Thursday after work for some fun with Middle Sister, K and we are going to celebrate life for every minute. Starting with us pretending to be ‘ladies who lunch.’ And yes, there will be plenty of puppy cuddle time.